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Dennis Go
Dennis Go
Jan 24, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Chess

I played the game with a smile.

Pawns suppressing the move
Made by my hand for the king.
A mistake, and it's all over.

Checkmate.

The king couldn't move neither direction
For the opponent's difficulty,
But rather an invitation of defeat
Spurned with soldiers left looking
At a king's dethronement.

No more.

I lost to a mere
Enticement
Of a Queen.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: How does this theme appeal to you?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Manila, PHL

Favorite Poets: R.S. Thomas, William Blake, Emily Dickinson, Dylan Thomas

More from this author

Comments

weirdelf

weirdelf

14 years 5 months ago

The metaphor is sound,

but when you read it aloud to yourself, do you really hear poetic values?
(I can guess your answer, but I don't).

I've read much better works of yours. Even small things like the awkward
"The king couldn't move neither direction"
detract from the elegance of a chess scenario.

I won't offer specific suggestions, but I think you could improve this a lot, it has great potential. It just lacks the elegance and drama inherent to the chess metaphor.

weirdelf

weirdelf

14 years 5 months ago

oh my word!

Playing chess is like living Machiavelli. Drama, deception, yes enticement, betrayal, it's all there. But above all it is elegant, a complex pavane played to fairly simple rules.

Dennis Go

Dennis Go

14 years 5 months ago

Well JayCee, you could get a

Well JayCee, you could get a hang out of it once you learned the beauty of chess strategy. That's where the drama comes in. :)

Dennis Go

Dennis Go

14 years 5 months ago

Hmm. Poetic values... I'll

Hmm. Poetic values... I'll give your statement a thought.

Maybe I could find much better lines to replace what you deemed "awkward". Thanks for the advice.

Hate it when someone critiques, offers suggestions and it turns out his lines are lousier.

weirdelf

weirdelf

14 years 5 months ago

[grins] I hate that too,

you want to be polite and show your willingness to improve, then someone tries to make it worse.

Nonetheless, when I feel I have a decent suggestion to make, I will, I only ask that you consider before rejection,

Dennis Go

Dennis Go

14 years 5 months ago

Same here. But somehow I

Same here. But somehow I retaliate immediately when you post blunt remarks.

I only ask to keep your criticisms at bay because mona still thinks I'm arrogant.

weirdelf

weirdelf

14 years 5 months ago

Dear Dennis,

you are arrogant,
but big fucking deal. Everyone who thinks their poetry is worth reading has some measure of arrogance.

And no, Neopoet is a poetry workshop, not a showcase or, as your experience here so far seems to have been, a place to get your ego bolstered, so I won't keep my criticisms at bay if I feel I have something to say, and don't use Mona as an excuse, that is un-accountable and childish.

This may sound harsh, but it is not an attack. I wouldn't bother except that you are a good enough poet to be worth the effort.

Dennis Go

Dennis Go

14 years 5 months ago

Hahaha you think I'm here

Hahaha you think I'm here just to bolster my ego and making mona an excuse.

Pretty dumb analysis from a "good-enough" poet.

Well then exaggerate your criticisms for all I care hehe Bring it on.

Nice to meet you. You're quite amusing. We could get along some time.

K

Kailashana2

14 years 5 months ago

Well, here I am Ms. Arrogance

Well, here I am Ms. Arrogance herself...I have no authentic suggestions for improvement so I'll just share my version of the game....it's written in every line of my poetry with or without my *turn*. That requires a certain *skill* level.

~A