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Oct 29, 2024
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Cigarette Love
Like a cigarette caressing my lips,
A sudden rush as sparks begin to light,
It burns, and flows down to my fingertips,
Until the glow fades into quiet night,
Falling in deeper with each shaky inhale,
As it flows much stronger through my veins,
Filling the air with tastes that whisper death,
Love’s tender touch, and my heart still remains,
With every breath I take, I'm bound, addicted,
A storm inside, a calm without a trace,
My mind and body torn, both conflicted,
Passion’s prison, love's cruel, fickle chase,
I reminisce on our Cigarette love,
As the smoke fades into the sky above.
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
8 months 3 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
This poem effectively uses the metaphor of a cigarette to explore the complexities of love, addiction, and pain. The imagery is vivid, and the emotions conveyed are palpable. However, there are a few areas that could benefit from further refinement.
1. Consistency in Punctuation: The poem lacks consistency in its use of punctuation. Some lines end with a comma, others do not. This inconsistency can disrupt the flow and rhythm of the poem. Consistent punctuation can guide the reader through the intended rhythm and pauses.
2. Rhyme and Rhythm: The poem has a fairly consistent ABAB rhyme scheme, but there are a few lines that disrupt this pattern. For example, "Love’s tender touch, but my hearts in chains," does not rhyme with the preceding line. Additionally, the rhythm of the poem is somewhat inconsistent. Some lines have more syllables than others, which can disrupt the flow.
3. Clarity of Metaphor: The metaphor of the cigarette is clear and well-executed, but the line "Filling my lungs with tastes so stale," might be confusing. It is unclear what the "stale" taste refers to in the context of the metaphor.
4. Use of Clichés: The phrase "Passion's prison, love's cruel charade," while evocative, is somewhat clichéd. Consider finding a more original way to express this sentiment.
Overall, the poem is effective in its use of metaphor and evocation of emotion. By addressing these areas of potential improvement, the poem could become even more impactful.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Geezer
8 months 3 weeks ago
I will agree...
with the A.I. on this one; the punctuation could definitely be more consistent.
Be careful with how you end a line, some lines are full sentences and deserve a stop, and some that need to continue in order to make sense, a comma.
The meter should be steady in a piece like this, and you should make more of an effort to be consistent. Speak your poem out loud and with a natural breath, then you will see where the meter does not match. I am a former smoker and can relate to the metaphor readily, this is an apt match for sure. ~ Geezer.
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