CIRCADIAN RHYTHM

The whole world drips this autumn day
like tears shed for a life gone by,
for times and folks now gone away.
I watch the steady rain and sigh.

There are no shadows on such days
yet memories hide everywhere,
amid dull monochromatic grays,
behind old trees now turning bare.

And like a phantom I pass through,
damp leaves quiet beneath my feet
each step revealing a new view
backed by the rainfall's steady beat.

Leaves, which dry, would float with joy
instead morosely drop straight down
then lie like some discarded toy
far below gray giants' crown.

I feel I might become a ghost
or perhaps I am already one
accompanied by some long lost host
whose story is already done.

A drip down my neck, I shake my head
to try to change my dreary mood
for I'm not Yet with the silent dead
and have no real excuse to brood.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: South Carolina, United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Frost, Burns, Longfellow, Poe, and Johnson. I guess you've noticed these are all past masters. Other than folks on site I don't read any contemporary poets .

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Geezer

9 years 9 months ago

I like...

the mix of rhythm and pattern here. I think there are a couple of extra syllables in the lines:

1]. like tears shed for a life [near] gone by. I think that you could do without the word near and have it still have the same connotation.
2]. instead drop with [little] joy straight down Maybe use [no] instead of little.
All in all, another fine picture of the woods that you describe so well and the joy that you find there. ~ Gee

scribbler

9 years 9 months ago

Hi Gee

I had thought about dropping "near" then waffled and left it in due to indecision. So I'll now delete it and see how things go. I hadn't spotted the stumble in the line about wet leaves falling but once pointed out it is obvious. So I reworked the line and think it might be better now. I appreciate the visit and the suggestions.........stan

Geezer

9 years 9 months ago

I think...

it flows much smoother now. Good rework of the leaves line! ~ Gee

scribbler

9 years 9 months ago

Thanks Gee

I Do try lol. But if stumbles weren't spotted by you they'd not have been fixed............stan

wesley snow

9 years 8 months ago

The rhyme scheme is lovely,

but the meter is a bit of a mish mash.
Don't get me wrong... I can't not like one of your poems (not yet anyway), but the meter was very inconsistent with a "structured western" poem.
It will improve in the workshop.

Hey Geez, want to join a workshop? A hard one?