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Apr 17, 2013
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CLEANSING RAIN (edit)
The first warm spring rain falls today
caught by leaves not quite unfurled
as gray clouds swiftly race their way
to other parts of this worn world
where rusty dust turns to red clay.
Wet wind sets maple seeds to spin
they helicopter to the ground
where water starts to build and then
forms puddles from which peepers sound
and washes pollen on its way
while blurring deer tracks on the ground.
It rinses winter's slate all clean
preparing for the summer's green
I watch as this scene come into play
thoughts of fresh life now fill my mind.
When will My storm wash me away
and leave forgotten words behind?
About This Poem
Last Few Words: An experiment in rhyme without stanzas
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
eightmenout
12 years 3 months ago
Nicely written
I do have a couple of comments, however, about the last stanza. The first two lines feel a little out of place with the rest of the poem; perhaps too direct.
I felt like after the first stanza that the storm already belonged to you in its various seasons. The "My" kind of disrupted the flow for me. Outside of that, loved the last two lines.
Again, nicely written.
scribbler
12 years 3 months ago
Hi
Thank you for taking the time to read and think about this experiment. Being an experiment all feedback is extra valuable. I will edit this in a few days and will keep your comment in mind when I do so...............stan
Josephus
12 years 3 months ago
The first section of the poem
The first section of the poem has an impressionistic quality, almost a "Monet" blurriness to it. It speaks of the physical world being gently washed clean. The second section is jarring, I believe intentionally so. It speaks to an internal personal anxiety. Fear of water, an allegory for a strong elemental force, but in its destructive form, storm, rather than its cleansing form, rain, causing change beyond the writer's control.
I enjoyed this and like the style.
Joe
scribbler
12 years 3 months ago
Hello Joe
Thank you for your valuable feedback. Yes the second stanza is meant to bring about a different feel. That's the main reason I changed to another stanza lol. But it may well be that it jars a bit too much for the subject. You are the second of two people to voice dissatisfaction with final stanza so I expect it Will undergo a change in edit..........stan
Seren
12 years 3 months ago
Dear Bro
I cant find fault the only thing I think would improve it would be to break it up into stanza's which I think would give my impact
well done I thoroughly enjoyed the read
love JC xxx
scribbler
12 years 3 months ago
Hi Janie
Ah, but to break it into too many stanzas would defeat the experiment in rhyme sans stanzas lol. Perhaps I'll post a version with quatrains along with the edit..................Appreciate your input as always..............stan
loved
12 years 3 months ago
was it an intended sonnet all souped up
to other parts of this ......old world?????
why old world
the earth spins around the sun daily
what is old or cold about it
scribbler
12 years 3 months ago
Hi loved
SONNET?!!! God save me from those infernal things lol. But in review I see how it Could be mistaken as an attempt at a new type sonnet. thanks for dropping by............stan
Ross Hamilton Hill
12 years 3 months ago
The first warm spring rain
The first warm spring rain falls today
caught by leaves not quite unfurled
as gray clouds swiftly race their way
to other parts of this old world---old is a bit ho hum something more resonant would help.
where rusty dust (turns to) red clay. 'becomes' would read better
Wet wind sets maple seeds to spin
they helicopter to the ground
where water starts to build and then
forms puddles lying all around--all is also a bit ho hum
and washes pollen all away- and the repetition of all here is bad
while blurring deer tracks on the ground.
It rinses winter's slate all clean and another all, get rid of them ALL
preparing for the summer's green
I watch this all come into play AND ANOTHER 'ALL' WHAT'S HAPPENED TO YOU
and thoughts of life enter my mind.
When will My storm wash me away
and leave forgotten words behind?
I liked the first 3 verses very much, some fine phrasing and description, you need to edit them down so the extra line is gone. I didn't like the last stanza, I don't see the need to draw a conclusion and start philosophising, the first 3 stanzas are the poem.
enjoyed
ross
scribbler
12 years 3 months ago
Hi Ross
As usual your ideas are astute and also point out things I hadn't noticed (too many alls). I appreciate your thoughts on this and they will be considered in edit. Appreciate your dropping by...........stan