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Abby
Abby
Nov 30, 2021 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Clock of Flower's

Humans like picked flowers,

The clock starts to tick,

One, two 

one, two 

one, two

Tick

                         tick  tick 

                  tick

I miss my sunshine.

She kept out the darkness

She fed my petals till they 

were colorful

And vibrant.

I was her dark night moon.

Time is running out.

One, two 

one, two 

one, two

Tick

                         tick  tick 

                  tick

I miss my sunshine 

and I hope she’s well

Out in the world, 

no longer shining on me.

 

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Country/Region: USA

Favorite Poets: Shakespeare, Emily Dickenson, Sylvia Plath, Elizabeth Bishop, Mary Oliver

More from this author

Comments

Geezer

Geezer

3 years 7 months ago

Your piece...

is good. One criticism! Are the plant's petals green or is it the stem? I can live with green stems, but I'm not sure that there are any flowers with green petals. I am sure that yoiu can fix this. Nice job of wistful reminiscing! Concise and melancholy.
~ Geezer.
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Geezer

Geezer

3 years 7 months ago

The lines...

make it seem as though the sun makes the petals green. I think you can make a better connection to the petals. How about [colorful] and vibrant? ~ Geezer.
.

Geezer

Geezer

3 years 7 months ago

I see...

that you made the change I suggested. It now looks like the sun has made the petals more [colorful] and vibrant. I would have been just as happy if you had used another word, or changed the lines to make it seem as though it were the petals that you speak of, but this was the one way to change it without making a mess and having to think up new lines. ~ Geezer.
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