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May 12, 2019
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Clueless
the night disappears
without a touch
and your eyes stare like boiling heavens
you are monster kisses I can crawl up to
lips blood clot cake
that never heal
it rains howling phantasms, concrete
and dead eye bombs
nightingales of tragedy
this is my dream of the world
her form a moving mouth
she fills it
with a billion slums like black flowers
vast and strange
your sin
you were born clueless
broken chromes
and die that way too
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Geezer
6 years 2 months ago
Typos, typos...
With out is [without] and where is were. The title is good, the language fine as always and the pattern/pacing took it clear through to the logical conclusion. My favorite line? "You are monster kisses that I can crawl up to." ~ Geezer.
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zebra
6 years 2 months ago
Hi Geezer
thank you for the review and type correction.... will fix ;)
Geezer
6 years 2 months ago
You missed...
the [where] to were. LoL ~ Gee.
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zebra
6 years 2 months ago
Hi Geezer
Its a good thing I reserve the right to be an idiot and that you keep saving me
Thanks so much Geez :)
gregwa8
6 years 2 months ago
"your eyes stare like boiling
"your eyes stare like boiling heavens" gives such intensity to the look. I love it. for me it could be similar to "roiling heavens" filled with dark clouds developing, or maybe a clearer gaze, but the intensity is there. "lips blood clot cake" is so nasty and evocative as well. my favorite line is "she fills it / with a billion slums like black flowers". black flowers is such a dark, romantic image as are slums, though I would never have thought of linking the two together. so gritty, so pathetic, in the pathos sense of the word as well. I love the link between cluelessness and staring eyes. always love reading your stuff.
zebra
6 years 2 months ago
Hi Gregwa 8
yeah ;) so very glad to hear you like this piece ….. many thanks my friend !!