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Dec 09, 2024
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The Colour Of Us
"Clean as you go" is the first thing I see,
Upon entering the dreamlike state of the kitchen.
In colorful letters, pulled from the kids' toys,
Pasted on the mirror fridge I secretly overuse,
Stealing glances at myself when no one’s watching.
I laugh at my thoughtful reflection,
Memories flooding my choices of what to eat.
I recall the sunniest day of the year,
When the all-white kitchen glimmered like a disco ball—
A purchase you eagerly made at the thrift store,
Along with your red carpet-like tiles.
I reach for the mismatched rainbow cutlery,
A wooden breadboard, preparing for a sandwich.
Your confetti-like appliances light up the room,
The peppermint green toaster shouting at the sunflowers
I bought this morning, resting in their teal and lavender vase—
Another thrift store find.
Or how your silver and bronze pots sweat under
The relaxed presence of your ruby air fryer—
Like you, the kitchen would be bland without them.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
6 months 2 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem, "The Colour Of Us," effectively uses vivid imagery and personification to bring the kitchen to life. The use of color throughout the poem helps to create a vibrant and dynamic atmosphere. However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and meter to enhance its musicality.
The first two stanzas effectively set the scene and introduce the speaker's relationship with the kitchen. The use of the phrase "Clean as you go" as an entry point into the poem is intriguing and immediately draws the reader in. However, the transition between the first and second stanzas could be smoother. Consider revising the line "I laugh at my thoughtful reflection" to more clearly connect the speaker's reflection to the kitchen and the memories it evokes.
The third and fourth stanzas introduce a shift in the poem, moving from reflection to action. The use of active verbs such as "reach" and "preparing" helps to animate the scene. However, the rhythm in these stanzas is somewhat inconsistent, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. Consider revising these stanzas to establish a more consistent rhythm.
The final stanza effectively concludes the poem by tying together the various threads of color and personification. The comparison of the kitchen appliances to a person ("Like you, the kitchen would be bland without them") is a clever use of metaphor that adds depth to the poem. However, the line "The relaxed presence of your ruby air fryer" is somewhat unclear. Consider revising this line to more clearly convey its intended meaning.
Overall, the poem effectively uses imagery and personification to create a vibrant and dynamic portrait of a kitchen. With some revisions to improve the rhythm and clarity of certain lines, the poem could be even more engaging and evocative.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
kowque
6 months 2 weeks ago
I'm biased because
I'm a mother and felt echoes
Of that in this
When I'm done with my toddler I'll be more objective
I love what you did with this
Sheesh
Angie S
6 months 2 weeks ago
Perfect crowd
Hi, Koki
I hope to hear from you soon.
P.s I think being a mother gives you leeway to be as biased as you want.
Angie S
Lavender
6 months 2 weeks ago
The Colour of Us
Hello, Angie,
I've enjoyed this visit to your kitchen - all the colors revealing the liveliness and happy interaction that takes place here. I wonder about the use of the em dash - a little distracting to the flow, and may rob some of the imagery.
A perfect title!
L
(I believe there is only one entry per member to the "What is Friendship" contest. Such a tough choice to make!)
Angie S
6 months 2 weeks ago
Fierce feedback
Hello, Lavendar
I had no idea there was only one entry per member, duly noted for future purposes.
The dashes were meant to evoke a pause for the reader to picture the moments depicted in the poem, however I can see how they might be distracting.
Thank you for taking the time to read and help me grow as a writer.
Angie S