Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Jan 11, 2019
⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
Companion
An expected visitor vying to hold
what's become of vixen lady, once gold
stronghold to emotions eerily grasped
a fool lady, cradling anxietys baby
Punctured armor protecting what's prudent
strength: slowly surfacing after suffocation
visitors back: bearing the blatant truth
vixen ladys companion vanished her youth
It sucked her dry with internal despair,
a well so deep with no water to hold
she longs youths return, in tighter clothes
no companion in sight, worries yet unknown
Fool lady, did you ever stop and think,
if caution was used upon cradling baby
Would heavy weight turn to gentle wisdom?
enticing companion in trying state
A vacation from visits happens time to time
deemed important for the sanity train
that runs wild and sporadic in ladys brain
providing clarity whilst breaking the chain
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
weirdelf
6 years 6 months ago
Strong and well said.
I can't help feeling it would benefit from a few more prosodic values, it is almost prose at times. Perhaps some meter here, alliteration, assonance or consonance there, maybe even rhyme.
There is a lot of great stuff here. Do you intend to work on it more?
bjucks
6 years 6 months ago
Indeed! Thank you Jess
I do plan on working on it some more!
It's an important poem to me and want to make it something I'm proud of. I'll work on adding some alliteration and rhyme (since I'm not horrible at rhyming) and more structured metre into it. Comments always appreciated! When a poem is updated from the users side, is it automatically reposted to the stream?
Regards,
Bjucks
weirdelf
6 years 6 months ago
Yes, a revised poem goes to the top of the stream.
It then shows a 'Revisions' tab so that you, and us, can compare changes.
A trap for young players is if you get all motivated and revise all your works in a few days it will seem to 'Flood' the Stream and people are often unimpressed [smiles].
lovedly
6 years 5 months ago
Very sweet wordings coming from a Canadian poet
only a minor typo in line 3
(eerily....)
bjucks
6 years 5 months ago
Thank you eh
Typo noted, lovely,❤