10/24 Fireside Confession

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CONFESSION FROM A SHADOW

Intonation, and hands raised now
and pacing he became more animated

Sheets of it, sheets of gargling
blood,
pouring from my mother's throat
was... Just... Just beautiful an
crimson of dark bleeding coats
of scarlet ribbons.

making an unique, neckerchief
and... a Robe presented, by me
from her guts.

I... just watched, and... Sunk
to pick up on the last few gulps
Her chest heaving to get those
lungs full.

And then a grey coat washed
over her complexion, that dressed
her to be taken.

Those last words curved back
his lips, tugging on his cheeks into
a grin of a killer, his toungue
stroked his bloodless lips reliving
the scene he pictured.

It drained the blood right
out of their skulls pouring
an euphoric morbid sensation
into his black soul.

Their hearts were slamming
into their, chests, and wanting to
bail, break out of them ribs cages
disregarding their weak bodys.
These

emotions he kept filed away
treasured. He continued.

I opened up her neck, my
fingers bled, dripping wet
I slurped my digits to taste the
burgundy red I deliriously sucked.

That stained nectar I reproduced
and... and when it came I cherished.
it.
It came from a frenzied, cherried blade,
Spilling floods in a riotously decoration
that... washed over my doomed
mother.

I tasted the vermillion that had been
running inside of her, like a haemoglobin
river all them forty odd years circulating
her system. An galactic supplement

I long wanted to plummet in, since I had
been delivered.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Uk, GBR

Comments

neopoet

8 months 2 weeks ago

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem, titled "Confession from a Shadow," is a narrative piece that delves into the dark and disturbing confession of a character named Jack. The poem is rich in imagery and detailed descriptions, which contribute to the overall mood and tone of the piece. However, there are areas that could benefit from further refinement.

Firstly, the poem could benefit from more consistent punctuation. There are several instances where punctuation is missing or misused, which can make the poem difficult to read and understand. For example, in the line "A stranger they didn't quite no but had warmed to one of their friends so he was aloud to tag along," the word "no" should be "know," and "aloud" should be "allowed." Proper punctuation and correct spelling would improve the clarity of the narrative.

Secondly, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm. While free verse does not require a strict meter, the rhythm of a poem can greatly enhance its impact. Some lines are much longer than others, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. Consider revising some of the longer lines to make them more concise.

Lastly, while the vivid and graphic descriptions contribute to the dark mood of the poem, they could be considered excessive or gratuitous by some readers. The poem might benefit from a more subtle approach to the violent imagery, which could make the narrative more impactful and less likely to alienate readers.

In conclusion, while the poem is engaging and rich in imagery, improvements in punctuation, rhythm, and the use of violent imagery could enhance its overall impact.

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