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M
MEWilson
Sep 30, 2016 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Cool Water

COOL WATER
...
Sultry days of summer coming real soon
No breeze, still trees, parched throat needs
Cool water - still can't quench this thirst
Clothes dropped in stages, hastily peeled
Water can't cool this fire I feel
My soul is surely doomed to burn
Without the cool water of your touch
M E Wilson 04152009

About This Poem

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Glendale, Arizona,,,USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Divine Valentin ... a local spoken word artist, My brother - Alan Jefferson

More from this author

Comments

weirdelf

weirdelf

9 years ago

Good first post, Wilson,

It complies with one of my definitions of poetry (originally coined by Eisenstein with respect to film) "Ruthless elimination of the inessential"
Not a word out of place whilst conveying a deep sense of love and need.

My only question is about the choice of words 'real soon'. Surely this is not something anticipated but an ongoing experience. Or perhaps I read it wrong.

M

MEWilson

9 years ago

new form of poem

This is a "kwansaba" poem, so my choice of words was limited. Also, this was my first attempt using this style. It uses 7 words of 7 or less letters in each line , and it is only 7 lines long. So, I hope that explains some of my reasoning in the way that I wrote the poem.

Keith Logan

Keith Logan

9 years ago

This sounds similar to a style

that I wrote some years ago, it was seven lines of seven syllables. I have never come across it before (or since) so have no idea what the proper name is.

Keith Logan

Keith Logan

9 years ago

Very good

but for minimalist write I would drop real from line one and needs from line two.

jane210660

jane210660

9 years ago

Hi

I'm not familiar with kwansaba, but all credit to you, you seem to have worked within it's constraints very well indeed, as when reading it I could not tell you were working to a form.
The only tiny crit I could make is the word 'real' in line one. I realise you need seven words, so possibly you could find a substitute - even the word 'so' might just do it. My gripe with the word 'real' is it's a bit slangy, but if you feel it's integral to the poem then by all means ignore me, it's just my opinion.
A great write though, with very good imagery and a nice dimension at the end.
Cheers Jx

Esker

Esker

9 years ago

"true" could be a substitue word

if as mentioned "real" is slangy or beat
as in "True story" or "straight up"
"straight on" all linear feel as what
your work has in its essence
Like the last line
a throwback to the vintage use of
typewriters which some of the writers
still use....

Thank U!