alidzain

Oct 24, 2015 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Cracks In The News

A string of words without a tale,
the voices drown in a sea of lies.
A hidden council pulling strings,
the truth denied or led astray.
I see the cracks that grow through time,
the gaps of queries, widen today.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: singapore, SGP

Favorite Poets: Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Sarojini Naidu and friends in Neopoet.

Comments

Rula

9 years 8 months ago

Ah this media!!

It's only alluring ppl. I can trust only few channels. You said it quiet well.

alidzain

9 years 8 months ago

Salam, Rula

glad you liked it. Thanks for the visit, the read and the comment. This piece is also my practice on iambic and anapest combo.

Alid

wesley snow

9 years 8 months ago

I'm afraid it isn't "poetic" enough for me.

An angry sentiment, but no beauty in the language. No pithy metaphors. I'm sorry Alid, I don't care for it.

alidzain

9 years 8 months ago

Wes

what about the iambic and anapest combo, does it work?

Alid

wesley snow

9 years 8 months ago

No, it did not.

Too many liberties taken in the "meter", not necessarily the rhythm. It works as a rant which is actually a poetic form, but as poetry it did not satisfy me.

alidzain

9 years 8 months ago

wes

show me where I can improve in the meter. I told you this is a practice.

Alid

wesley snow

9 years 8 months ago

I would not attempt to change this.

The meter is so muddled (free verse, remember?) you will destroy the thing trying.
Start over with a new poem and pay the kind of attention to the meter that you demonstrated in the workshop. Your examples were superlative. Why not write like that?

Rula

9 years 8 months ago

I understand what Khalid

is trying to do. He is attempting the combination of iambic and anapest. Something I too wish to accomplish, but I understand it is not easy for someone deaf to music.

alidzain

9 years 8 months ago

Salam, Rula

Hmmm. You got it but I'm going to wait for a few days before I decide what to do.

Alid

ThEdges

9 years 8 months ago

I agree with Wesley, but to

I agree with Wesley, but to critique it: The first two lines have metaphors, but the fourth one is fact. ..And I think the question would make more sense as: "So what we believe is not the truth?" (Of course what we believe *can be the truth--sometimes.) So to me, the last 2 lines pull it further out of poetry. Sorry ...

Best always,
Laura

alidzain

9 years 8 months ago

Hi Laura

I tweaked it abit. What do you think?

Alid

ThEdges

9 years 8 months ago

Hi alidzain--

It's better, but it feels more like an assignment paper about a problem, than a poem.

alidzain

9 years 8 months ago

Laura

Any suggestions?

Alid

ThEdges

9 years 8 months ago

No, I just think

that Wesley is correct. You just might need to start from scratch...

Best always,
Laura

raj

9 years 8 months ago

The theme is very relevant

The theme is very relevant Alid and I am absolutely sure that you will tweak it based on suggestions / comments of the learned members..

I am no good with poetic forms, rules, meters, iambs, etc. so I won;t be able to offer any suggestion, but I liked the theme for sure..

Regards,

Rula

9 years 8 months ago

Salam Khalid

Khalid I did this scansion to show you where you went wrong. I think you need to work the anapest in the same place you worked it in the provious line and keep almost identical syllable count.

Try with another stanza and see if it shall work. I am still experementing it the way you do. :)

alidzain

9 years 8 months ago

Salam, Rula

Shukran for your help sis. I did some changes. What do you think?

Alid

wesley snow

9 years 8 months ago

Are you trying for anapest?

Because the poem is essentially iamb as Rula demonstrated. The below is one of only two anapestic feet in the poem.

"in a sea"
I liked the subject, but if you're trying for anapest it didn't work. Otherwise I liked the poem as is. If you want to write an anapest, start over. Don't try to change this one lest you destroy it.