Candlewitch

Jan 31, 2023 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

This poem is part of the contest:

Neopoem Of The Week January 29th to February 4th 2023

(Read More...)

Cross-hairs

Long deep intake of breath
slowly expel out the mouth...
quiet steps following
from north country headed south.

Catching sight of my prey
in the blue ice field ,
Sun in his watering eyes
my position is now a shield.

Marksman behind him, zeroing in
slow intake of air, a silent breath...
Still as a statue, squint of one eye
squeeze of the trigger finds his death.

Another "hit" mastered and taken
a shot fired for freedom's cry,
the enemy lying bleeding, dying
another game of spy vs. spy!

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Northwestern Wisconsin USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda, Jim Morrison, the whole of Neopoet and many more.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Jackweb

2 years 4 months ago

Hello Cat!

Indeed, this piece is spot on. This is my favorite lines:

Catching site of my prey
in the blue ice field
Sun in his watering eyes
my position is now a shield

Wow! Personifying the sun to have a watery eyes is a very brilliant poetic style that makes the reader to imagine. Excellent work!
.

Candlewitch

2 years 4 months ago

dear Jack.

thanks for reading.

*hugs, Cat

Geezer

2 years 4 months ago

I will...

come back later or tomorrow, to this one. ~ Geez.
Okay, I'm back, it's tomorrow.

I like the sniper story.
The first line of the 2nd stanza has a typo. It should be [sight].
I get that the sun in the eyes could be a metaphor
about not seeing the position of the other warrior/sniper; not personifying
the sun.

The rest of it tells the story with brevity and it seems
a little shallowness; like it has to remain a distant part of the man's psyche,
or he will go mad. This could be any situation, not necessarily
a point in war. Good story well told. ~ Geez.
.

Candlewitch

2 years 4 months ago

thanks Geezer,

thanks for the catch of the typo. and for your opinions. yes, it is meant to be a bit terse. this is something new I thought I would try. glad you liked it! would the term be marksman or markswoman?

*hugs, Cat

Geezer

2 years 4 months ago

I suppose...

that it depends upon your personal preference. If one is not too fussy about using sexual pronouns, I guess "man" will do, but in view of all the wokeness going on... I don't know. How would you rate the word "human"? Would you call the female of the species, "Huwomankind"? It seems a little extreme. Hugs back, ~ Geez.
.

Candlewitch

2 years 4 months ago

dear Geez,

you are right/write, LOL! marksman will do.

*hugs, Cat

Candlewitch

2 years 4 months ago

LOL

thanks, mark. glad you enjoyed it!

*hugs, Cat

scribbler

2 years 4 months ago

Hi Cat

Using the sun to one's advantage is something only a season'd rifleman should know. Trying to shoot into a low hanging sun causes most scopes to glow and also decreases the chance of the shooter being seen. Very accurate write

Candlewitch

2 years 4 months ago

dear Scribbler,

you are a thinking man and I am so glad of it! I went hunting with my dad a few times. he taught me a lot, and I still remember his lessons. thank you for reading and commenting!

*hugs, Cat