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10/24 The Cruel Joke 🏆 Winner

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A Cruel Joke

He was wild and adventurous.
A Lothario of great note
discharged from the U.S. Navy,
finding land legs, just off the boat.

Feeling freedom for the first time
from shores of Viet Nam, now home.
Fancy for the neighbors daughter,
this bad cat was out on the roam!

Dating Jan for a month of days
without explanation, he stopped
found another who turned his head
so, by the wayside she was dropped.

Distressed, Jan told him of her plight
He said it was not "His" baby,
smirk, "Why are you not on the pill?"
"It is your own doing, Maybe?"

Taking his dog Blatz to the lake,
scope the scene for girls on the beach
they would run up, give Blatz a pat
well behaved, not needing a leash.

Well trained he stayed by his master
whose eyes found a goal in his range.
Blatz ran ahead with wagging tail
licking faces, as an exchange.

Jerry with Blatz, made connection
smoking on a hash pipe, he sneezed
Blatz sniffed around Mary a bit
then Lifting up his leg, he peed!

Poor Mary with a wet back cried!
Jerry laughed, gave her a poke.
Her eyes glittering her rebuke...
"Too bad you're a big cruel joke!"

About This Poem

Last Few Words: notepad: written on: More Styx now: 10- 03- 2024

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Northwestern Wisconsin USA, USA

Favorite Poets: Edgar Allan Poe, William Blake, Bob Dylan, Tom Petty, Carlos Castaneda, Jim Morrison, the whole of Neopoet and many more.

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

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Comments

neopoet

neopoet

8 months 3 weeks ago

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "A Cruel Joke" seems to be a narrative piece that tells the story of a man and his dog, with elements of humor and satire. The poem's structure is consistent, with each stanza containing four lines and a clear rhyme scheme.

However, the poem could benefit from some improvements. The narrative flow is somewhat disjointed, with the story jumping from one event to another without much transition. This makes it difficult to follow the narrative and understand the connections between different events. It may be beneficial to add more transitional phrases or lines to help guide the reader through the story.

Additionally, the character development could be enhanced. While the main character's actions are described, his motivations and feelings are not explored in depth. This makes it hard for the reader to understand why he behaves the way he does. Adding more details about the character's thoughts and emotions could help to make him more relatable and engaging.

Finally, the poem's language and diction could be refined. Some of the phrasing is awkward or unclear, which can detract from the overall impact of the poem. For example, the line "Feeling freedom for the first time" is somewhat ambiguous - it's not clear what kind of freedom the character is experiencing. Clarifying these kinds of phrases could help to improve the poem's clarity and effectiveness.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Geezer

Geezer

8 months 3 weeks ago

Hi Cat...

I will be back to this later. ~ Geez.
.

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

7 months 3 weeks ago

*smiles...

Thank you Clentin, it is very nice of you to say!

hugs, Cat

O

Oppressed smith

7 months 3 weeks ago

Just wow

So well done I couldn't help feeling bad for the woman and the baby I would have smacked the guy very good work

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

7 months 3 weeks ago

Dear Oppressed smith,

this guy was my first husband, and he was a big jerk. I once dumped a big bowl of mac & cheese on his head. He drew back is arm to strike me but thought better of it. thank you for reading and commenting on my poem. I appreciate it!

hugs, Cat

Wallyroo92

Wallyroo92

7 months ago

A Cruel Joke

Pretty cruel indeed.

Great rhythm and rhyme from beginning to end.

Well done.

Candlewitch

Candlewitch

7 months ago

Dear Wally,

Thank you for your words of praise. I appreciate it very much.

hugs and good wishes, Cat