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alidzain
alidzain
May 07, 2017 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
This poem is part of the workshop:

Meter... The Workshop.

(Read More...)

Dactyl Example (Wes's Meter WS)

Dark is the/ night when the/ bombs are re/leased from the/ enemies'/planes in the/ sky

Grip of des/pair in the/ hearts of de/feated guards/ growing in/ might as their/ families/ die  

 

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: singapore, SGP

Favorite Poets: Emily Dickinson, Robert Frost, Sarojini Naidu and friends in Neopoet.

More from this author

Comments

Rula

Rula

8 years 1 month ago

Salam Khalid

have you tried to read this aloud and to put the stress where it should naturally be?
I have problems in more than one place.

alidzain

alidzain

8 years 1 month ago

Salam, Rula

Maybe you can show me the mistakes and offer some suggestions to help me with the choice of words. Can the "unstressed" words be substituted with"lesser stressed" words? I'm quite lost on how to edit this.

Alid

alidzain

alidzain

8 years 1 month ago

Salam, Rula

I've done some tweaking but still need help. What do you think?

Alid

Rula

Rula

8 years 1 month ago

Khalid

the first line is fine I think.

as for the second line, I read like:
GRIP of des/PAIR in the/ HEARTS of de/FEATed MEN/ GROWing in/ MIGHT as their/ FAMilies/ DIE

I'd replace the "men" with "Guards" as you'd then have a weaker stress on guards
"guard GROW ing"

Let's see what the masters might say.

alidzain

alidzain

8 years 1 month ago

Mark

Not as smooth as you think. I managed to get it right only after the 3rd edit.Tough, but I'm glad I did it.

Alid

alidzain

alidzain

8 years 1 month ago

Wes

that's very good to know.

Alid

wesley snow

wesley snow

8 years 1 month ago

Geez,

but your subject matters are violent and depressing. Nothing wrong with that, just an observation.

alidzain

alidzain

8 years 1 month ago

I know, Wes

That is why I'm trying to post 2 more to balance it but just too busy at the moment.

Alid