Join the Neopoet online poetry workshop and community to improve as a writer, meet fellow poets, and showcase your work. Sign up, submit your poetry, and get started.
Jan 02, 2011
⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)
Dad
Too much feeling
I devised distractions.
To filter out the pain..
When you came home
The key in the lock
Made me hold my breath
I hit the dimmer switch
And you were gone,
But not for long.
So agressive , so strong
size imposing,
choking the life out of mum
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
scribbler
14 years 6 months ago
much
We all try to override the ugly parts of reality. I know I try wear sun glasses when I look in the mirror lol...............scribbler
lou
14 years 6 months ago
HI
Thank you
lou
Hooded Stranger
14 years 6 months ago
Lou
Lou,
not sure if this write of yours was from experience or not, whatever, it has a strong theme - well delivered.
The structure and meter was spot on, except for stanza 1. To keep it is the same flow as the rest of the poem I would suggest editing the first stanza a little. An example:
Too much feeling
So I devised distractions.
To filter out the pain..
Depends on how important it is to have the 'kid' reference in that stanza.
Strong stuff my dear friend,
Enjoyed it, if you can enjoy this subject matter!
regards,
HS
lou
14 years 6 months ago
HS
I wanted the kid reference because i wanted to illustrate how defences can be built up, but I can see your point.
It was written from experience, my father was an extremely violent man.
Im glad it was effective, I wasn't sure about this one.
Lou
mand
14 years 6 months ago
Hi Lou
I hope this isn't something you and your mum had to go through - So sad, filled with raw pain, emotionally and physically.
Thank you for sharing Lou.
Love to you
Mand xxxxxx
lou
14 years 6 months ago
Hi Mand
Unfortunatlely we did experience this, but he has been gone a long time.
Glad that you enjoyed it.
Lou