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JAY GBUGASON
JAY GBUGASON
May 19, 2017 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

IN DAY LIGHT

The moonshines forth on the mountains
Giving us hope the light sustains
My people are in darkness
Giving reason to my sadness
A pyramid exist called classification
Giving room for our division
A quest to enrich, empower oneself
Creates the room for greed and envy
Corruption sets in as soon as gains start raining
Stained minds, mine shallow in the mine of the mind
Where much is not hard to find
Oh dear mankind could you be kind to your brother
The son of your mother
A voice calls out to you
The noise coursed you not to hear,
Come near it said
But you went astray
Man why go away
Day by day you will pay
Till life itself is useless.
Leaders are also animals in the farm
Pigs are dirty in mind and body
Corruption has sunk in
Oh dear Nigeria, the world
awaited in anticipation
your fall, stand tall don’t fall
please stand tall
if tomorrow ever comes and the youths wakes up
we too will be leaders of tomorrow
in sorrow we slept as our auto pilots
crash without rational reason,
our auto leaders feels nothing, sees nothing but
its automatic programmed to be a leader
age brings wisdom, strength is in youth
leaders need strength but age fails them.
Our youth needs wisdom to lead
Our fathers can retire to statement and gurus
Oh Nigeria I pray your beautiful features are still here when
I wake
In day light I dare to dream

About This Poem

Last Few Words: calling on the nigerian youths to wake up from sleep

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: nigeria

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Comments

weirdelf

weirdelf

8 years 1 month ago

Have a little patience, Jay,

we have many members and many poems posted every day.
Welcome to Neopoet.

You have a wonderful poetic voice, very expressive and passionate. I feel your pain for your nation.

There are a few tiny grammatical errors you might choose to correct.
Daylight is usually one word.
A pyramid exist[s] called classification
The noise coursed you not to hear, [caused]
Leaders are also animals [on] the farm
if tomorrow ever comes and the youths wakes up [the youth wake up or youth wakes up]
our auto leaders feels nothing, sees nothing but
our auto leaders feel nothing, see nothing but

I did a reading for you, I often find it useful to hear works aloud.
http://vocaroo.com/i/s1p3QR1QNQ9U

I look forward to more of your work and your critique given to others.

Eumolpus

Eumolpus

8 years 1 month ago

O Nigeria

What little we get to see of your country, in the US. It is a land of vast riches, oil, and massive problems of tribalism and social justice. There is enough sadness in this world to go around.
Yet see the USA today, with it's massive incarcerations and prejudices. See our version today of a leader, like some you have had; ours acts daily as one in the last phases of syphilis.

Your poem is a fine work, but it could be Venezuela, Yemen, or just so many different countries. I would use the landscape of your country, the people and their culture, your heroes, the folk stories, the flavors and food, the destruction of the environment by the oil, the attack on intellectuals, gays, women, the rhythms, the music.. Create an opus that is truly only Nigerian. This is no simple task. but you have the skills of a poet.
Who are the best poets in Nigeria? Let them be a stepping stone for you.