Daydream

Black trees
Dead grass
Dusty roads
Seen through
Venetian blinds
Become
Grand Canals
Sun tossed wavelets
And bobbing gondolas

About This Poem

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Canada, CAN

Favorite Poets: The next one I read. I thoroughly enjoy reading the works of amateur poets. Neruda is my hero but absolutely no one has a better way with words than Shakespeare.

Comments

Ian.T

12 years 3 months ago

Joe

This was not up to scratch, the description lacked a purpose and made your daydream bland:-

Drifting to gondoliers song
Endless water
A black craft taking you away
I glimpsed your back,
Through the Venetian blinds
As my tears flowed.
Only to find
My drink had overflowed.
Though the house
Still seemed empty

Yours Ian.T

Josephus

12 years 3 months ago

Thanks Ian.

I understand your concern but frankly that was the event as it unfolded while looking through the blinds on a dull spring day, nothing more or less.

Joe

Ian.T

12 years 3 months ago

joe

It was the presentation of your dream, we have quite a poetic licence as it were, to be able to flower up things that we see or dream, I just thought that you could have stretched it a little..
Yours Ian.T

Josephus

12 years 3 months ago

Thanks Ian

Much appreciated Ian. I liked your thoughts in your first post and will draw on them as a path forward in is. Thanks again.

Joe