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Apr 24, 2012
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Deadly
Hast thou forsaken me for deadly ghost?
Hast thou forgotten me with brightly smile.
Thou art a greedy, heinous, deadly host.
The face that show your evilness is vile.
You are but a false "most closest friend".
Your lies will no longer be felt dead.
Faking friendliness at most twisted bend.
Pushing me onto a cemented bed.
However friendship stands the test of time.
Anyway I fear it won't be the case.
Your behavior shifts many paradigm.
Your sarcasm hits just like every mace.
Even though your values cool my spirit.
But sometimes my brain just cannot hear it.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: I tried a Shakespearean Sonnet. How was it?
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
weirdelf
13 years 2 months ago
A fine attempt.
But you don't have to use archaic language to write a sonnet.
How is
Hast thou forsaken me for deadly ghost?
any better than
Have you forsaken me for deadly ghost?
actually you lose grammar for meter, it should be a deadly ghost, but let's not quibble.
A few things need fixing-
The face that show your evilness is vile. [shows]
You are but a false "most closest friend". [most closest friend? gimme a break, why not BFF?)
You are but a false "most close of friends".
I won't go on. You meter is mostly correct and rhyme scheme perfect but you convolute your words and hence meaning to make it fit the form. Don't be discouraged, sonnets are amongst the hardest forms to do well.
I'm not sure whether to put this one down to experience and try another, or do the work needed to fix it, which would involve really choosing your words and word order for the meaning you desire.