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The Dear Deer... [Rhyme Pattern Workshop]
As I sit upon the ground
I watch the fog in field
Not much to see, as I look around
Until the mist begins to yield
Now, I see a herd of hooves
A dozen heads and nibbling lips
I'm very careful not to move
Though there's a pain in my hip
Heads with twitching, swivel ears
Dip to pull the grass
Then back up to disappear
In the fog that dewdrops cast
The sun begins to heat the earth
The grey does slowly fade
My patience is rewarded...worth
The effort that I've made
Now, the deer are staring hard
They're nervous, stamping in the sward
What is that there, in their yard?
It's only me... the silent bard
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Geezer
4 years 4 months ago
Didn't notice...
but managed to find a couple for you. Makes it seven now.
~ Geez.
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Geezer
4 years 4 months ago
Thank you...
I missed that! Fixed it.
~ Geez.
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Geezer
4 years 4 months ago
Thank you...
Glad that you liked it. It was a true experience. I waited until they were all looking directly at me [ they had trouble seeing me]
and then I moved and they raised their little white flags and stampeded away! Funny, how they have trouble seeing anything that doesn't move! ~ Geez.
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scribbler
4 years 4 months ago
I was
once up a huge oak tree about 30' off the ground. About daylight the fog rolled in and I could hear the deer walking around under me eating acorns and blatting at one another. After a while they moved off without my ever seeing them.A very accurate poem
Xavier Sleuth
4 years 2 months ago
Great atmosphere
Loved verses 3 & 4. Really pretty stuff there - the tear-starting kind. Nicely done.
Triskelion
4 years 1 month ago
This, I can
appreciate. Although I don't have a critique for it, I believe in credit where credit is due. It is quite a nice poem.
Thomas
Geezer
4 years 1 month ago
Thank you...
Reading with fresh eyes, I realize that it needs work. I will let it settle for just a little more, but I am going over some other older things that I haven't looked at in some time. Funny, how time seems to clear the eyes. ~ Geez.
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Triskelion
4 years 1 month ago
Agreed
Time does bring fresh focus
Cheers, Geezer
Thomas