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May 07, 2014
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A Decent Meal (Tanka)
A bowl of porridge
with a glass of home-brewed tea
sate my appetite
A meal served with sincere love
is my wholesome nourishment
About This Poem
Style/Type: Structured: Eastern
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
IKnowNoBox
11 years 2 months ago
Practical,
It makes a case for the simple things in life. Who needs a big diner, or formal breakfast anyway? All the answers to your critique questions is Exceptional.
Thanks for sharing,
David
raj
11 years 2 months ago
Alid
A good Tanka. The syllable count is right and the two liner is in context of the Senryu, I therefore do not see anything to be changed too much except a suggestion to change L3 of the Senryu with
sate my appetite
and L2 of the 2 liner to
is my wholesome nourishment or
like an icing on the cake
of course even without the suggested changes it looks fine as it is.
Regards,
alidzain
11 years 2 months ago
Raj
Thanks for the feedback. Done the edit.
Alid
raj
11 years 2 months ago
Alid
Good to know you found the suggestions appealing...
Regards,
Barbara Writes
11 years 2 months ago
Alid
Beautiful perfectly executed
alidzain
11 years 2 months ago
Thanks, Barbara
for the visit and the comment. Just asking.Are you going to have another Renga workshop for those who are keen on the subject and those who have missed out on the previous workshop?
Alid
Barbara Writes
11 years 2 months ago
Alid
Yes Im working on it.
Ian.T
11 years 2 months ago
Alid
My English is not top line but your reference to Brewn Tea,
seems wrong, the use of the word Brewn I can't find a reference to that word as referring to tea, I have taken the liberty of editing the piece to comply with a strange English now used in England lol.
I will let it go that some drink their tea from glasses lol very un English.
It just amused me a little this morning sitting here with my mug of tea..
Go well young man,
Yours Ian.T
A bowl of porridge
a mug of fresh home-brewed tea
sate my appetite
A meal served with sincere love
is my wholesome nourishment
alidzain
11 years 2 months ago
Hello Ian
Done the edit. Thanks for correcting my mistakes.
Alid
Ian.T
11 years 2 months ago
Alid
I am glad you kept your tea in a glass, it gave it your way, as I said before about poets living in other countries, not only are the accents different but some of the ways are not the same as another country.
Well sorted, Yours Ian.T
raj
11 years 2 months ago
Ian
Considering your interest in different customs, I would like to share some information related to tea from this part of our Tea World which perhaps you may find interesting:-
In Hindi language:
Tea= Chaai
Kadak Chaai = Strong Tea
Kori Chaai = Tea without Milk (Black Tea)
Khadaa Chamach Chaai = Khadaa (Standing) Chamach (spoon) Chaai (Tea)= Tea with so much sugar that a spoon will stand up :)
Chaai Paani = Chaai (Tea) Paani (Water) To give chaai paani is to give bribe :)
Maara Maari = Fight . In the context of Tea, Maara Maari means Tea and coffee mixed in equal measure
Cutting Chaai = half cup tea
Ian.T
11 years 2 months ago
raj
I was a guest of Shipping Company in Dubai, I shopped in the Souks there,
What a lovely custom, to ask if I wanted a drink before starting to shop in their shops, Chaai was sent for, a talk was had, and then the question of what they could do for me was asked.
This would be so good to expand to a few countries.
The MC of the company took me out a few times there, and once we went to the Jockey Club at which he had to make me a member where upon he bought me a whiskey while he had orange juice.
Later we went to his favourite hotel where he had a Chaai with a slice of beautiful cake, an experience of being one in another country.
I have copied the list you gave, and I will look at it with the thoughts of making a theme for a poem or write.
Thanks again, Yours Ian.T
weirdelf
11 years 2 months ago
A srtuctually correct tanka.
The content is bullshit.
You will die of malnutrition.