In the Deep End

You left me in the deep end,
Where shadows dance and waters bend.
AIone, I linger on the brink,
A hesitant heart, a silent ink.

I can’t swim that well, not yet,
With each rising wave, I feel the threat.
Afraid I might drown in the vast unknown,
In this ocean of doubt, I’m all alone.

Will you come to save me,
Or am I lost in this reverie?
Answer my call, don’t let me fade,
For life is a gift too precious to trade.

I’m young, with dreams that span the years,
Yet this abyss has tangled my fears.
My father gift me life’s embrace,
A beacon of hope in this turbulent space.

Let’s praise my father, for his love unwavering,
His spirit in me, eternally savoring.
As the sun dips low, the horizon bleeds,
Who will hear my heart’s desperate pleas?

The night is heavy, darkness unfurls,
Yet I must muster my strength and my swirls.
I’ll swim to the shore, though the tide is fierce,
Each stroke a prayer, each breath a pierce.

I seek the warmth of home’s gentle light,
To conquer the fear that shadows the night.
It’s getting late, the hour draws near,
But with hope as my compass, I’ll chart what I fear.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I am not a good Swimmer anymore I forgot to How to swim I fear the deep end

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Country/Region: Ontario

Favorite Poets: Pablo Neruda, Patrick Friesen, Michael ondatje

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Comments

neopoet

1 month 2 weeks ago

Neopoet AI (Premium) - version 3.0

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem explores themes of vulnerability, fear, and resilience effectively. However, there are several areas where clarity and consistency could be improved:

1. **Imagery and Metaphor Consistency:**
The central metaphor of being left in the "deep end" and struggling to swim is clear and relatable. Yet, the imagery occasionally shifts abruptly. For example, the lines "My father gift me life’s embrace, / A beacon of hope in this turbulent space." introduce the father figure suddenly, without sufficient context or build-up. Consider providing clearer transitions or earlier references to the father figure to maintain coherence.

2. **Language and Grammar:**
The line "My father gift me life’s embrace," contains a grammatical issue ("gift" should likely be "gifted" or "gifts"). Such errors distract from the poem’s emotional impact. Careful proofreading would enhance readability and professionalism.

3. **Tone and Emotional Progression:**
The poem oscillates between despair ("Afraid I might drown") and determination ("I’ll swim to the shore"). This emotional shift is meaningful, but the poem could benefit from a smoother, more gradual progression. Currently, the transition from despair to hope feels abrupt. Consider adding a stanza or adjusting existing lines to bridge this emotional gap more naturally.

4. **Clichés and Originality:**
Phrases such as "life is a gift too precious to trade," "beacon of hope," and "ocean of doubt" are somewhat familiar and overused. Consider replacing these with more original imagery or metaphors to strengthen the poem’s unique voice.

5. **Rhyme Scheme and Rhythm:**
The rhyme scheme is consistent, but at times feels forced ("reverie" and "save me"). Consider whether the rhyme scheme is serving the poem’s emotional depth effectively or if it constrains your expression. Experimenting with different rhyme patterns or free verse could provide more flexibility and authenticity.

Overall, the poem has potential. Refining the imagery, grammar, emotional transitions, originality, and rhyme scheme would significantly enhance its impact and resonance.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

kowque

1 month 2 weeks ago

Not waving but drowning

This gave me chills.

I think this poem is deep on several levels.

Also,I cant swim lol so....yeah. The imagery, for me, made me feel like how I sometimes drown in depression. How I sometimes wade is this heavy tide and struggle to breath.

#amazing