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Oct 14, 2024
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The defamation of Angelina!
The night sky quickly casting
autumn leaves like rain.
My heart is always calling
someone else’s name.
Tell me if you see her.
Wandering out on route 66!
All across the countryside
her slender body flits.
Hitching rides with anyone
her slippery mind sees fit.
Blue eyes wildly flashing
taken with the wind.
On an empty joy ride
her mind will give her fits.
Hopping in with anyone
on her raucous trip...
Acid rain is falling
into her champagne.
Nothing she imbibes
can nullify her pain.
Endlessly compelling you
to allow her one last trick.
You’d better take the chance
you’ll never see this girl again!
A night under the desert sky
may take away your pain,
but she’ll leave you before morning,
your character defame!
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Just a sordid narrative, none of this real. I had someone in mind, but won't reveal her name. Now it's up to you tosee the beauty and the pain!
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
8 months 3 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "The defamation of Angelina!" presents a vivid portrait of a character, Angelina, through the use of evocative imagery and a consistent narrative. The character is depicted as a free spirit, unpredictable and somewhat dangerous, which is effectively conveyed through the use of phrases such as "hitching rides with anyone" and "endlessly compelling you to allow her one last trick."
The poem could benefit from a more consistent use of meter and rhyme. While some stanzas adhere to a clear rhythmic structure and rhyme scheme, others do not, which can disrupt the flow of the poem. For example, the second stanza has a clear ABAB rhyme scheme, while the third stanza does not have a consistent rhyme scheme.
The poem also employs a variety of metaphors, such as "acid rain is falling into her champagne," which effectively convey Angelina's emotional state. However, the meaning of some metaphors could be clarified. For instance, it's not entirely clear what is meant by "her mind will give her fits."
Lastly, the poem could benefit from a more detailed exploration of Angelina's character. While the poem provides a vivid depiction of Angelina's actions, it does not delve deeply into her motivations or emotional state. Providing more insight into Angelina's character could add depth to the poem and make her a more compelling figure.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Candlewitch
8 months 3 weeks ago
Dearest John,
She sounds like someone I knew many, many moons ago. She gave it all up for marriage, but I know her soul still rides the wild winds... her name was Kari! great work! my favorite lines are:
The night sky quickly casting
autumn leaves like rain.
My heart is always calling
someone else’s name.
Tell me if you see her.
Wandering out on route 66!
All across the countryside
her slender body flits.
love, Cat
Leslie
8 months 3 weeks ago
Cat...
Thank you I am gradually learning to operate on this site. Thanks for your tutoring! And thank you for reading this.
Candlewitch
8 months 3 weeks ago
It is a beautiful poem, John.
It is a beautiful poem, John...I am glad to have read it a second time. thank you.
love, Cat
Lavender
8 months 3 weeks ago
The Defamation of Angelina
Hello, Leslie,
When I was a teenager, some 100 years ago, there were rumors of a young woman walking a certain stretch of country road late at night. Anyone who gave her a ride carried her along for a while, and then suddenly she would disappear, as if she was never in the vehicle. Supposedly, it's believed she had had a rough life and death, and was an unsettled soul. Your poem has that mystery to it for me. And with mystery, there is both beauty and pain,
Thank you!
L
Leslie
8 months 3 weeks ago
L
There are alot of seemingly lost souls who walked the highway then and now. Their stories are truly mysterious. Thank you for reading this poem!