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Dec 23, 2022
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Defeated
Brace yourself, it all comes down to tonight
It's time to see who came here for the toughest fight
I showed up today expecting the victory
And I'm not leaving this place until I make history
I didn't come here expecting things to be easy
Yeah I knew it wouldn't be a day on the beach when it's breezy
Get your guard up, the battle's about to get heated
Because I didn't come this far to get Defeated
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Rula
2 years 6 months ago
Hello SB
Bravo! A well said and excuted piece. Full of bravery.
Reading your profile, I found you're after help to grow up with your poetry, so I assume you won't mind my tiny suggestions which are just thoughts, take or leave.
S. 1 L.1 I would drop (to) it all comes down to tonight
S. 1 L 3 I would replace (the) victory with (a) victory
S. 2 L 4 I think you don't need to capitalize the D in defeated
As I said these are just thought . Wait and see what others might say
A very competitive entry amongest the others, so I expect the judges to have some difficult times :)
Best wishes.
Shelby Pryor
2 years 6 months ago
Rula
Thank you so much for your words of advice! I'll bring those suggestions into consideration on future poems. Thank you!
Geezer
2 years 6 months ago
Nice stuff...
I feel that you must have a rapper background, because I slid into that mode of rhythm very easily. Great message too!
I agree with Rula, although I can understand the reasoning for capitalizing defeated; it being the title word and the main focus,
[not being defeated]. I'm okay with that. ~ Geezer.
.
Shelby Pryor
2 years 6 months ago
Geezer
Thank you so much for the advice, I truly appreciate the kind words
Candlewitch
2 years 6 months ago
hello,
if I may add my two cents worth, in this line: "Because I didn't come this far to get Defeated" i would change (get) to (be) Defeated. I think (be) is the stronger word. I very much like your poem, it calls for respect!
*hugs, Cat
Shelby Pryor
2 years 6 months ago
Candlewitch
I see your point, be is a much stronger word! Thank you so much for the suggestions!