Done

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

This poem presents a vivid portrayal of struggle and resilience. It uses strong metaphors and imagery, such as "Broken down like tempered glass" and "Broken down like soft wool snow," which effectively communicate the themes of fragility, hardship, and resilience.

However, the line "how life treat us like a devious rapist" is problematic. While it is understood that the intention is to convey the harshness of life, this particular metaphor can be triggering for some readers and is generally considered inappropriate. It's recommended to revise this line with a less offensive metaphor.

The poem also seems to switch between different themes and ideas, which can make it difficult for the reader to follow the overall message. For instance, the transition from "Broken down like soft wool snow" to "Defines forgiveness with holy grace" is abrupt and lacks a clear connection. It would be beneficial to ensure a smoother flow of ideas and maintain a consistent theme throughout the poem.

Lastly, the poem could benefit from more consistent punctuation. There are several lines that end with a comma, which can disrupt the rhythm and flow of the poem. It's recommended to review the punctuation to ensure it supports the rhythm and doesn't distract the reader.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

touches my heart.
Yes, youth need room to grow, but your young men are forced to live in dreams, which are trampled upon generation after generation. Do not give up, not ever!

There are a few places that you have missed the meter, but they are easily fixed.
Your punctuation is a little bit off, but if you speak your poem out loud, you will see where to put the commas; the meter is found by the natural breath in which you speak. Once you find that you have too many, [or rarely], too few syllables, you can concentrate on making it sound natural.

Most times, you can find a word that says what you want with fewer or more syllables to take the place of the one that causes the problem.
There are times when you have a line that says exactly what you want, but
just doesn't fit. Don't be afraid to throw it out or change it. That is part of writing.

Your title is good, the language use needs a little work.
My advice is to read the poets that interest you and see how they structure
their lines. Take your time, try reading aloud before you post.
The beginning and end of your piece are good and mesh well.
Welcome to Neopoet and I hope to see a rewrite of this in a day or two.
~ Geezer.
.

Hello, Mustafah,
Another striking poem, moving.

"When, days become so, short to narrow,
Dreams today get sold for, one sparrow.

There is a candid observance here, very soulful. The title lends itself to the mood of the language - brief and honest.
Thank you,
L

I read your poem and found the language odd.
Like this:
Broken down like tempered glass,
our boys are young they out of class. Did you mean they're (they are)
I find some confusion in your language.

our boys are young they out of class.
we try to last, we can't resist,
how life treat us like a devious rapist.
You go from our boys to we, so which is it? Are you talking about them or you? The odd logic makes for distraction.
Stay with it, work on the language.
Finally, don't you think the rapist line is a bit forced rhyme? And, a generalization?
All of that tells me that English may not be English. You do not write in USA English? Correct? I see you are from South Africa. Bravo for letting us know rhat. A sort of problem or difference between your English and US English is all that. Mainly use of pluralization and the other ideas I mentioned. And, it is not easy to remedy. It's like a southern USA drawl
to a Northerner like me. We cannot expect people to change their variation of the same language. Being reckless with the language is different. We, here, have read many south African poets and understand. Just know as I said, it can be a distraction.
Keep at it,
Mark