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Nov 25, 2024
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Dreary day, long ride...
Dreary day, on the thruway...
Sitting in Auntie Jean's '66 Bronze Barracuda fast-back,
radio plays softly, pop-Christmas stuff.
Long silence to a retreat for me; long drive.
Speaking out of the side of her face, [she had a way of that.]
She asked, "Are you so very sad that you lost the sight of your eye?"
Briefly, I saw that "Caswell" trait that she shared with my father.
A clearest blue, steadiest steel, and you knew that you would get the truth of whatever you heard. We all have it; the eye. Must be that Romney-gypsy blood.
"Yes, I am but more than that, I am glad that I still have one good eye to see the world. Even the bleak, grey day full of rain on the thruway...
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Scenarios seem to be a thing I want to explore. ~ Geez. .
Review Request Direction:
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
neopoet
7 months ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem demonstrates a strong sense of narrative and character development, which is commendable. The use of dialogue and introspection adds depth to the poem and helps to create a vivid image of the scene.
However, the poem could benefit from a more consistent rhythm and meter. The lines vary greatly in length, which can disrupt the flow of the poem and make it difficult for the reader to follow.
The use of specific details, such as "Auntie Jean's '66 Bronze Barracuda fast-back," adds a sense of authenticity to the poem. However, the reference to the "Romney-gypsy blood" is not clearly explained or connected to the rest of the poem, which can confuse the reader.
The metaphor of the eye is effectively used to convey the speaker's perspective on the world. However, the phrase "We all have it; the eye" is somewhat ambiguous and could be clarified to enhance the reader's understanding.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from more vivid and varied imagery. While the description of the "bleak, grey day full of rain on the thruway" is effective, the poem could be enriched by incorporating more sensory details throughout.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Candlewitch
7 months ago
Dear Geez,
I would have titled this poem "Gypsy Blood". I much enjoyed the narrative! I have found that you always write something of interest to me! You should write more in this style. I love it. My Auntie on my mother's side was my favorite, and my champion.
happy holidaze, Cat
Geezer
7 months ago
I am sure...
that you will see more of this style. I think I will let the title stand, although I love yours. Yeah, I am going to get DNA test done sometime soon, my son had one done but lost it, and it indicated that there is western Eruopean blood also that we have O Negative blood type, another indicator of gypsy blood. I have done a few of these scenario type things and have been pleased with the results. Mostly, they are built on actual memories and experiences. Snips of life, reflective and brooding material most of the time, but... Thanks for the read and the comments, I'm glad that you enjoyed. ~ Geez.
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Lavender
6 months 4 weeks ago
Dreary Day, Long Ride
Hello, Geezer,
Love this style! It's like watching a brief clip of someone's life, but you somehow get the full picture. A little side note, a pause, a memory that stays fresh forever. Really like this.
Thank you!
L
Geezer
6 months 4 weeks ago
This is...
a clip of a memory as I remember it. Auntie Jean is gone now, so there is just me to know. I celebrated my 16th birthday, by getting shot in the eye with a B.B gun. It was an accident, and the Saturday after I was released from the hospital, I was invited to my cousin's house for a week. [The house my mother and siblings were in, was in turmoil and moving to a new location.] Thank you for your encouragement in trying something new. ~ Geez.
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