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Dec 28, 2010
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DUSK (tiny edit)
The south side of a fallow field
at end of a winter afternoon
as the day begins to yield
daylight's dearth will be here soon
Branches on the western trees
hardwoods bare of any leaf
shiver in the chilling breeze
the wan sun lending scant relief
In the distance turkeys flap
ascending to their nightly perch
where they will spend the night and nap
above a stream on river birch
The shadows stretch, about to break
and now begin to dominate
I hear a whistling wood duck drake
plaintively calling a mate
The sun at last closes its eye
beyond the lashes of nude trees
using for its quilt, an orange sky
and takes now to its nightly ease
A squirrel barks off its furry head
at a coyote as it lopes by
before it ducks into its leafy bed
a doe snorts; a far loon's cry
Somebody turns the first star on
as darkness quickly draws its cowl
the light of day is now foregone
night's announced by a horned owl
About This Poem
Last Few Words: This description of dusk in the woods will eventually be followed by the same in the city...............stan
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
scribbler
14 years 6 months ago
hey Shirley
the owl sound you describe is a barred owl....also sounds like who...cooks...for you. Just make sure you don't use your new binoculars to spy on the neighbors lol...............stan
Hooded Stranger
14 years 6 months ago
Stan
Stan,
great poem - gave off vivid images of the dusk.
Sublime rhyme with a good flowing style.
Only suggestion is:
"while I hear a whistling wood duck drake"
this one line just stuck out as being a bit of a mouthful and tripped up the flow. I would suggest simply dropping the first word, then it seems to slip back effortlessly into the flow.
Can't find anything else to crit with this one - I really enjoyed the dusk with you.
kindest regards,
HS
scribbler
14 years 6 months ago
dusk
I think I agree with deleting while. Glad you dropped by..................stan
mand
14 years 6 months ago
Hello again
I love this one Stan! A feeling of serenity washed over me - it almost felt as if I was there. I love the way you have described nature - I learnt a few things such as turkeys perching and sleeping in trees at night and I really love the fourth and fifth stanza - though all of the poem is lovely.
Keep writing and delighting us with your work!
Love Mand xxxxxxx
scribbler
14 years 6 months ago
dusk
I wanted to include more but was afraid to lengthen this write. Don't guess I'll stop writing for at least 2 more days lol.............stan
Nordic cloud
14 years 6 months ago
This is JUST WONDERFUL Stan!
STUNNING:-
Oh I see and feel and hear and sense
all,
and such words you use
that conjure up all sorts
in the twilight of the orange glow
that turns to darkness where:
"Somebody turns the first star on"
I sit in awesome silence
after this and dream the sight,
and sigh in love with it
and life
and NIGHT.
Love to you and yours from Ann, in reverie.
scribbler
14 years 6 months ago
dusk
I wrote this to compare with my 1st free verse" Dawn in the Deep woods" I am pleased you enjoyed this.............stan
scribbler
14 years 6 months ago
Rosy
Hmmm..... you do know dusk is the End of the day and not beginning (unless of course you're nocturnal) Dusk must not be as universal a term as I thought lol. Anyway, I am glad you liked this.....................stan
scribbler
14 years 4 months ago
thank you
I'm slowly going through stuff with fresh eyes. Glad you enjoyed this one................stan