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Apr 07, 2025
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Dusky Shadow (not for contest) revised again
I am but this;
a shade of dusky shadow
loosing cohesion,
Soft fingers feather
touch your
sable brown hair.
I am invisible to you
as a spectre of
a wisp of air,
almost visible
in a sliver
of lilting light.
my intent is benign,
as to highlight
the elegance
of your almost
perfect face
of double dimples,
to frame with
a shadow’s kiss.
for all too soon,
time will take you
down its twisting tunnel
to break you,
crashing
on twilight's shore!
About This Poem
Last Few Words: not written for the contest revised on: 04-09-2025 candlewitch notepad on 04-07-2025
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
neopoet
3 months 1 week ago
Neopoet AI (Premium) - version 3.0
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem effectively uses imagery and metaphor to convey a sense of fleeting presence and gentle melancholy. The metaphor of being "a shade of a shadow" is intriguing and sets a delicate, ephemeral tone. However, there are areas that could benefit from further refinement:
1. **Imagery and Clarity:**
While the poem’s imagery is generally evocative, the phrase "spectre of a wisp of air" slightly overextends the metaphor, making the image feel unnecessarily layered. Consider simplifying this phrase to maintain clarity and impact.
2. **Language and Word Choice:**
The phrase "almost perfect face" is somewhat vague and detracts from the otherwise carefully chosen language. It may be more effective to either commit to the idea of perfection or describe the imperfection more concretely, adding depth to the subject's portrayal.
3. **Punctuation and Flow:**
The poem's punctuation and line breaks could be revisited to enhance readability and rhythm. For example, the line "for all to soon," contains a spelling error ("to" should be "too") and interrupts the poem’s flow. Correcting this error and reconsidering punctuation placement could improve the poem’s readability and elegance.
4. **Ending and Theme Development:**
The conclusion, "in twilight's mist...", feels somewhat abrupt and incomplete. Consider expanding or clarifying this final image to provide a stronger thematic closure or emotional resonance.
Overall, the poem demonstrates potential through its thoughtful metaphor and gentle tone, but careful attention to clarity, precision of imagery, and technical details will strengthen its impact.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
RoseBlack
3 months 1 week ago
I love this
I can feel the shadow gently touching and watching me. This has a romantic yet mysterious feel. Favorite lines:
I am invisible to you
as a spectre of
a wisp of air,
Candlewitch
3 months 1 week ago
Dear Carrie,
I always appreciate getting your comments on my poetry. thank you so much!
big smiles, Cat ;)
Ruby Lord
3 months 1 week ago
Hi Cat, I enjoyed your poem
Hi Cat, I enjoyed your poem it treads lightly throughout. It's gentle, wistful with a lurking sorrow I can feel that.
If I can suggest, a shade of shadow kind of dilutes the meaning here.
Perhaps a dusk, echo or hush of shadow would add more texture?
Only my suggestion please ignore this if I have got it wrong. Take care, Ruby xx
Candlewitch
3 months 1 week ago
Dear Ruby,
I agree with you completely! I made some other changes, too! I hope you like them. I always appreciate when you make suggestions, thank you!
most fondly, Cat