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Dec 02, 2011
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Earth-ache
The sweet dream,
A horrendous scream
Aborted.
Secret inner fears,
Now to the extreme
Ignited.
Seeking a gleam
Out in the night
I hurried.
Greed- sharpened claws,
Dripping blood
The soil deeply clenched
Dying Planet
Past glorious days helplessly
Mourned.
Droves of lost earthlings
Dark streets
Roamed
Ravenous sharks ,
biophagous marauders
I recognized
Scrumptious baitballs,
fleshy quarries
Oddly ignored
Predators and preys
For a sanctuary
They all fierily looked
Side by side
The street they sorely
lurched
Doomed
For life they desperately
Gasped
Poisonous belch
Their senses to death
Throttled.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
lou
13 years 7 months ago
Hi
i like the theme of this poem and it flows for the first three stanzas, the next three don't fit the rythm , although I like this stanza;
Greed- sharpened claws,
Dripping blood
The soil deeply clenched
I think it would work better if the first 3 stanzas didn't have such a tight rhyme. This stanza doesn't work for me at all :
crumptious baitballs,
fleshy quarries
Oddly ignored
Apart from that I really enjoyed it.
Lou
wesley snow
13 years 7 months ago
I like this one!
Talk about post apocalyptic catastrophe. Each stanza is another complete vision presented as pieces of the whole. This poem worked. Period.
wesley
weirdelf
13 years 7 months ago
Yeah, I like it too
but not going to give you any useful critique until you start giving it to others too. Neopoet is a community, not a feedback service.
Be brave. I have learned more about poetry from giving critique than I learned studying it academically.
wesley snow
13 years 7 months ago
What Jess said.
There is no better way to learn a subject than by teaching it. Start with my shit and be brutal. Jess is. wesley