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Ruby Lord
Ruby Lord
May 20, 2023 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

ECHOES

This pen it is my weapon, I wield it as a sword,
This paper is a canvas, for words I’m certain to record.
This desk it has a purpose, to hold me in my place,
This day is unlike others, I no longer see your face?

My sadness grows provoking, and it pulls me from the light,
My happiness has left me lonely, as has my aging sight.
My fingers now they pain me when the morning birds they sing
My worry grows heavy, when the telephone won’t ring

My heart it beats much slower, and my rhythm’s lost a beat,
My ankles they are swollen, and my legs and are my feet.
My head has become muddled, and my face it wears a frown
And despite this dose of pity, I will turn my life around.

Because I may be older, and wearing clothes my granny wore,
I want to ask a favour that I hope you can’t ignore.
Your voice it summons memories, I feel them in my soul
Wrap me in your thoughts, your mind can make me whole?

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I'd like comments on the subject please, rhyme, rhythm and meter. My husband is still here, I'm not planning on getting rid of him anytime soon but I am writing this from the perspective of a widow/widower, not a soon to be murderer :) Also any opinions on the title would be great.

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Country/Region: United Kingdom

Favorite Poets: Margaret Atwood is one of my favourite writers. Carol Ann Duffy, Philip Larkin, Ted Hughes, Wendy Cope and more.

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Comments

neopoet

neopoet

2 years 2 months ago

Neopoet AI

Watch this space! Our AI is thinking of a response. This typically takes up to 10 minutes.

Ruby Lord

Ruby Lord

2 years 2 months ago

I'm not convinced, I imagine

I'm not convinced, I imagine old iron arse is a hermaphrodite and is confused about his position on the internet and his place in the world. When he becomes concious, he's going to be really peed off, how do I work this tackle?
Take care Ruby :)

Obadiah Grey

Obadiah Grey

2 years 2 months ago

Hello, Ruby.

Hello, Ruby.
The only criticism is the abundance of pronouns,
I wonder if a pruning is in order?

(BTW, When did grannies and mothers stop wearing "pinnies"?
they were ubiquitous attire in my youth.)

Obi.

Ruby Lord

Ruby Lord

2 years 2 months ago

Thanks Obi, I'll take another

Thanks Obi, I'll take another look :)

My mum wore and overall, she never called it a pinny. That was probably to do with the difference between her up bringing and where we lived, I don't know? But she had lots of different sayings for every day things, that I still use and have been quizzed about.

Thank you for your input, as always, it is very much appreciated. Ruby :)

Leslie

Leslie

2 years 1 month ago

I get this much...

I also thirst for someone, anyone just to talk to. I don't pretend to understand much, but
I understand loneliness, because I've been there and done that!

Ruby Lord

Ruby Lord

2 years 1 month ago

Thank you for reading my poem

Thank you for reading my poem and your kind comments. Yes, especially with the pandemic, I think a lot of people, those, like me, who are still shielding, feel the isolation more than ever. At least we have our poems to think about and dive into. Ruby :)

Tiffany Smith

Tiffany Smith

2 years 1 month ago

widower here

I felt that. Aging and being a widower myself I am feeling emotional about this. Its very good and it flows beautifully. Thank you for sharing this.