Elizabethan Sonnet Workshop

I am happy you could finally come up with this sonnet. This means hopefully you've overcome your health problems?

To the poem, as most of your writing this goes dark in most of its part. (Not a bad thing though)

The volta is clear as well as the closing couplet. So I'd say you have succeeded in the most dfficult parts with however some metrical problems.

I have provided some suggestions. Please feel free to take or leave.

no SUN |nor MOON| can PEEL| aWAY| the dis|GUISE.... (foot 5 needs a rework and half a foot is more.

(may be)...no SUN | no MOON | aWAY |can peel, |disguise

that LEAVES| me STAND|ing in |THIS CROWD| aLONE | (feet No. 3 and 4)

i'm LEFT| here STAND |  |ing STUND | in CROWD | aLONE

where MAN| beCOMES |a BOY| and BOY |LONGS for| FINE (foot no. 5 and half a foot is more) (I couldn't interpret what you wanted to say here? and what do you mean by longs for fine?

so I |would NE|ver re|CALL how |to FEEL| (foot no. 3 and 4)

so I |would NE | ver RE | memBER |to Feel.

Hope this helps ... Looking forward to see your polished version ...WELL DONE!!

my interpretation :)

no SUN | nor MOON | can PEEL | a -WAY | the dis -GUISE
Rula’s suggestion has too much reverse syntax. I feel
maybe
no SUN | nor MOON | can JETT | -i SON dis -GUISE

I have no problem with
that LEAVES | me STAND | -ing IN | this CROWD | a -LONE

and
you KNOW | the LINE | be -TWEEN | VIRG -ins | and SLAVES
maybe
you KNOW | the LINE | be -TWEEN | the CHASTE | and SLAVES

where MAN | be -COMES | a BOY | and BOY | LONGS for | FINE
perhaps
where MAN | be -COMES | a BOY | who LONGS | for FINE
(although I think this verse needs different wording to more clarify what you are saying)

so i | would NEV | -er re | -CALL | how to | FEEL
try?
to NOT | re – MEM | -ber EV | -er HOW | to FEEL
(I disagree with Rula’s parsing of re-MEM-ber)

well done
love judy
xxx

you have said "feel free to knock me on my back" ..that's exxactly what both Rula & Judynne have done...lol..

humor apart...as you surely know..they both men well and you will use their suggestions which will only improve an already fine sonnet i liked truly..

Regards,

it should be re-MEM-ber....my fault, sorry.

and the reversed syntax perhaps because I wanted to keep his same words.
Of course as it is his writing, he can come up with much better alternatives than mine.

I agree with most of the metrical complaints and that's the purpose of this workshop. Writing a truly authentic and classical piece.
However, it is still a poem and an extraordinary one. The language is a bit more, shall we say, "authoritative". You (the poet) and only you get the point.
A welcome change. This is bold.

Just one line imo is still off slightly
so i | would NOT | rem-EMB | -er HOW | to FEEL

Love judy
xxx

just me
may be you need a comma in
no sun nor moon can peel away [,] disguise

and here is a suggestion for the line that judy pointed out, if you like

so I| would NE|ver CALL |back HOW | to FEEL

Again, many thanks for your participation. I appreciate it highly.

overlook the "so i would.... it HAS at least a weak stress.

You've been analyzed as I wish they would analyze me.
It is the language that moves me. Elegant and intense.
You'll be flogged for the metric mistakes, but it's a small price for producing such a wonderful piece.

i only want to see what else you can do with that third line. in the third line of the first stanza, it's obvious what you're trying to say, but i feel like there's a better way to put it while staying within your rhythm. Overall it looks pretty tight, I see I'm a bit late to get into you for your meter :P I like it.

Mag