Empty Lanes

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem uses extended metaphor effectively, comparing emotional states to traffic imagery. The consistent use of road-related symbolism—stop signs, parking spaces, turning signals, empty lanes—creates coherence and unity. However, there are areas where the imagery could be clarified or deepened for greater impact.

The lines "Find an empty parking space / For the tears that parked / Up and down my face" are vivid, but the repetition of "parked" slightly weakens the emotional resonance. Consider varying the verb or restructuring the line to maintain freshness and avoid redundancy.

The stanza beginning "Don’t look away / Cause that’s when / Turning signals send / Me the wrong way" introduces an intriguing idea, yet the connection between "looking away" and "turning signals" might benefit from clearer elaboration. Clarifying the metaphorical relationship between attention and direction could enhance reader understanding.

The stanza "If the street lights / Turn off / Turn on the stars / So I can see / The coming scars" effectively juxtaposes artificial and natural illumination. However, the phrase "coming scars" is somewhat abstract. Consider specifying or grounding this metaphor more concretely, which could strengthen the emotional impact.

The final stanza introduces a new figure ("devil lounging on my shoulder") and a shift in tone ("Wake up you toddler"). This sudden shift in imagery and tone is intriguing but somewhat abrupt. Consider providing a smoother transition or additional context earlier in the poem to prepare the reader for this tonal shift.

Overall, the poem demonstrates a thoughtful approach to metaphor and emotional expression. Strengthening clarity in certain metaphors and ensuring smoother transitions between imagery will enhance its overall effectiveness.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

of thoughts I have about your mix of free verse and rhyme:

To the god I believe in
On a night that
I am barely breathing

Send a stop sign
For these
Many thoughts of mine

Find an empty parking space
For the tears in [tracks]
Running down my face

Don't look away
'Cause that's when
[I get lost, lose my way
Try to find it again]

Reroute me
[Because] these
Empty lanes
Know everything
You see

If the streetlights
Desert me
Turn on the stars
So, I can see
The coming scars

~ Geez.
.

Hi Paul, I like this. It has an earnestness and subtle bite that keeps it alive. Ruby xx