Triskelion

Jan 31, 2025 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Endangered

Your vision opened star filled skies
when failing daylight closed your eyes
We watched you wade in wonderment
that, could it have been heaven sent
to waken you before the devil's rise

And did you hear an infant's cries
from darkened realms, unrecognized
between some here and lost event?
Your vision opened

Perhaps one day, you'll recognize
should you begin to fantasize
about how here may represent
the mist and starry firmament
Eventually, you'll realize
Your vision opened

About This Poem

Last Few Words: My attempt at a rondeau poem, adapted from a recently posted idea, inspired by others I read here. I could find some guidelines concerning rules, but nothing definitive on meter, syllable count on the refrain, whether or not the syllable count or meter needs to be consistent line to line. Any further info/ opinion would be appreciated. Thanks for reading! Edits: changed S1L4 at Ruby's suggestion. Thanks for that.-added comma after "that"

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Country/Region: Lake Simcoe Canada

Favorite Poets: Poe, Frost, E.B. Browning, Theodor Seuss Geisel,

Comments

Ruby Lord

5 months 2 weeks ago

Hi Thomas, I think your

Hi Thomas, I think your Rondeau works really well, and the refrain, ‘Your vision opened,’ is beautiful.

The way you blend the celestial with the sense of the unknown creates a reflective mood that lingers after reading.

The only thing I felt was a bit off was this line: ‘that could it be that it was sent’ I think the repetition of ‘that’ could be replaced by choosing a different word? how could it be that it was sent? Maybe? Great job, I enjoyed this and thought you did really well in writing your Rondeau. I’m so pleased you stepped up to the challenge. Did you enjoy writing it? Ruby xx

Triskelion

5 months 2 weeks ago

Hi Ruby!..

..thanks for reading and pointing that out. I found the form to be less than inspiring, so adapted the idea from a previous piece and went with the flow, but I do enjoy a challenge.
I'm playing with the idea of moving the question mark down one line behind the refrain, but I'm right on the fence.
I changed S1L4...I hope it reads better now, however cliché...lol
Thanks again, Ruby!
Thomas

Ruby Lord

5 months 2 weeks ago

Hi Thomas, thank you for your

Hi Thomas, thank you for your reply. I do like your Rondeau, and I think you did a great job. As to the line you changed,
that could it have been heaven sent, maybe
that it could have been heaven sent? I think this way is a little smoother? Ruby xx

Triskelion

5 months 2 weeks ago

Hi Ruby

Thanks again. Your reply makes me wonder if I need a comma or something after "that" . The intent was to introduce a query over the situation as in "that, could it have been heaven sent?"
Any ideas to clarify is appreciated.

Thomas

Geezer

5 months 2 weeks ago

I googled...

the term Rondeau and got a mix of advice and terms. I have made several attempts, with none of them seeming satisfactory to me. I will attempt another in the future, I hope that it turns out to be as good as yours. Thank you for sharing. ~ Geez.
.

Triskelion

5 months 2 weeks ago

Hi Geezer..

...I got mostly the same outlines as you likely, and a history that goes back to the 13th century when it was quite different from today's version. It was popularized later in the 14th with closer similarities to contemporary versions, another more vague description allowing different syllable counts and one very strict version.
In the one I wrote here, there is one line of 10 syllables, where the others have 8. The line flows well regardless and didn't notice it until I started my counting.
Likely, as you, I found the form uninspiring, so borrowed the idea from another poem I wrote. The early forms revolved around spirituality and romance, so this one passes in my opinion. Perhaps the only way to warm up to it is to write a number of them?
Anyway, I would like to see more of them because of its history and one from you would certainly be welcomed.
I think there are enough of us interested and willing to help each other along.

Thanks, Geezer!
Thomas

Ruby Lord

5 months 2 weeks ago

Hi Thomas & Geezer, I have

Hi Thomas & Geezer, I have found the Rondeau challenging but very rewarding once you've conquered it. I enjoy the format although I haven't always stuck to it rigidly. And it gives the writer an opportunity to learn and bend the rules. I can't wait to see more Rondeau poems on the site. Ruby xx

Triskelion

5 months 2 weeks ago

Hi Ruby

I will consider writing another since I like to expand my skillset. What are the rules that you believe are "correct" for the form?

Thomas

Ruby Lord

5 months 2 weeks ago

Hi Thomas, looking at In

Hi Thomas, looking at In Flanders Field it is in this format.
15 lines in total
First stanza is 5 lines
Second stanza 4 lines
Final stanza 6 lines
The opening refrain is repeated at lines 9 and 15
I've previously copied and pasted In Flanders Field into a syllable counter and it is iambic tetrameter, 8 syllables with the refrain being 4.
I think the format is good to follow but not always achievable and if I have to break the rules I will. I hope this helps. Ruby xx

Triskelion

5 months 2 weeks ago

Hey, Ruby..

...that is the most popular contemporary rondeau as far as I know. It's no wonder people use it as a model for writing them. I feel that this discussion would have been a good subject in the discussion forum. There is actually a lot of history behind it one might not expect.
For what it's worth, I don't imagine anyone one is going to call anyone else out on small variances...at least not here, I think.
I always appreciate the time you take exploring the inner working of poetry. It is refreshing. Thanks again!

Cheers Ruby!

Thomas

Lavender

5 months 2 weeks ago

Rondeau Attempt

Hello, Thomas,
After trying this form from Ruby's initial encouragement, I found it to be a wonderful challenge and perfect for an emotional, sentimental message such as yours. I enjoy the different stages presented in the three separate stanzas. Can't help but wonder if you're going to name this piece?
Thank you!
L

Triskelion

5 months 2 weeks ago

Hi Lavender..

...Thanks for reading. When I read examples of this form, I often see the refrain as the title, as in "in Flanders Field". One website that gives guidelines on writing doesn't mention a rule for the title, but since you asked, would it not break any rules if I named it "Endangered"? Any input, even opinion would be appreciated.

Cheers, Lavender!

Thomas

Lavender

5 months 2 weeks ago

Hi, Thomas,

I'm so sorry, I completely neglected your title within the actual body of the poem. I was going by "Rondeau Attempt." My opinion would be just that, only an opinion since I can't find anything "official" either. I did find an excerpt from "The Parlement of Fowls" by Geoffrey Chaucer, a unique rondeau style all his own! The title is not in the refrain at all, at least not in the except I read. It seems there is a loose form to this, being that some sort of refrain is used repeatedly, but the poet has a lot of wiggle room. I think "Endangered" gives the poem even more depth. I like it very much.
L

Triskelion

5 months 2 weeks ago

Thanks again..

...Lavender. I think "endangered" will be the title for this, since certain moments are exceedingly rare and enlightening. I appreciate the correspondence and inspiration you bring here. I hope to write another rondeau soon.

Cheers, Lavender!

Thomas