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Jul 28, 2014
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The Enemy Within
Beware!
When envy leaks from your heart,
the soul will be poisoned.
The conflict will spread to the mind,
turning your words into venom.
Peace will hang by a thread,
time will taunt you into action.
When the truth is replaced
by mere speculations
and all that you have
are unproven assumptions,
do not lay down your guard.
For there within the shadows,
the enemy returns.
If you look away,
you're in self-denial.
Don't let envy sway
your will to excel.
Face the enemy
within.
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
Rula
10 years 11 months ago
A good theme
just thought there are many "him(s)" in the last stanza.
Also some triming would make it more powerful, I believe.
My thoughts, but it is finally the author who knows more.
alidzain
10 years 11 months ago
Hi Rula
I've tried to trim the last stanza first. What do you think. By the way, I need your feedback for my edited poem "Phoenix".
Alid
lovedly
10 years 11 months ago
u write lovely poetry
write one on
SOUL
on which u believe
so religiously
lets see what soul is ..
IGNORANT FOLKS LIKE ME
alidzain
10 years 11 months ago
hahaha
soul? I can try but don't expect accuracy. You are asking me to write on a subject that even the muslim scholars couldn't know a hundred percent!
Alid
lovedly
10 years 11 months ago
no... friend
I want to hear from you
as an individual entity
knowledgeable one
Your own personal belief and evaluation
to convince dwarfed ones
like me
as you know it
alidzain
10 years 11 months ago
ah, I see
but I' m not trying to convince anyone, Just sharing my belief. Whether you want to believe or not, that is up to you. Anyway, since you've asked I can comply as one who shares, I'll take it as a challenge since I've never really write about soul as a theme. Convincing you? Well you need to ask the scholars, not me. fair enough?
Alid
wesley snow
10 years 11 months ago
Haven't been around for a while,
so I've likely missed a lot of your poems.
This one is good. One suggestion.
I'm assuming in this instance the enemy is envy. It would improve clarity (I think) to mention this once again half way down.
alidzain
10 years 11 months ago
will do.
Thank you for the visit and the comment, sir.
Alid
Rula
10 years 11 months ago
much better
I still would make more culling of
"Face him,
the enemy within"
to be
Face the enemy
within.
Just me
alidzain
10 years 11 months ago
Salaam, Rula
Thank you for the visit and the suggestion. Done the edit.
Alid