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Sep 15, 2012
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Entangled
Escaping boredom,
I take the road to freedom,
and find myself tangled
in a net of thoughts of you,
that lead me to where
I chose to flee from.
You win again.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: True story.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Rula
12 years 10 months ago
Enjoyed your piece William
A nice subtext and a suitable title that gives the reader an impression about what he is going to read .
My problem is the word "boredom" which seems to be forced for the sake of the rhyme as I don't see that freedom opposites boredom unless I am missing something and I am sorry as I am not sure what word to suggest for a better read
William Saint George
12 years 10 months ago
Hi Rula, and thanks for
Hi Rula, and thanks for coming by.
The freedom there was not meant to rhyme with boredom, though it ends up doing so. Through out the day I felt trapped in my room because of an illness, so I took a walk outside. That's the back story to it, and freedom works quite well in that context.
But I'm curious, what word would you have put there instead?
Rula
12 years 10 months ago
May be
'Imprisonment' if not in that context and if you don't care for the rhyme
Ian.T
12 years 10 months ago
William
We seem to be getting many very short pieces of late almost Japanese in style and number of lines.. I read this and thought of the workshop we had done on Assonance and Consonance, then your theme seemed to come into line..
Assonance,where the repetition of vowel sounds in words that are close to each other - this also includes diphthongs. Like alliteration, it is the sound rather than the letter used that is important.
Consonance, a false rhyme is something that is completely random. A "true" rhyme has the same "consonence" sound at the end as well as the same "vowel" sound just behind it, like "day" & "way". A false rhyme may have the same "vowel" sound at the same point but a different "consonence" sound at the end, like "lamb" & "dan" It's done quite a bit in song & poetry. Put another way, it's an imperfect rhyme.
I shall wait your answer on this one, after your thoughts have stopped going around in circles lol, Yours Ian.T
William Saint George
12 years 9 months ago
About the Japanese style
About the Japanese style poetry, this one here was actually inspired by a haiku I wrote. I wanted to capture the simplicity of the form with a more Western structure.
I'll make a note that any device that relies on word use (rhyme, assonance, consonance...) was unintended. It was the message that I tried to carry, in a simple, poetic form.
It's interesting that this poem brought up such stuff to mind. :)