raj

Dec 29, 2013 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

Entity

Good deeds like salt grains
Unseen, thankless, forgotten
pre or postmortem

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How does this theme appeal to you?

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Somewhere in the world, IND

Comments

Emina Smajevic

11 years 6 months ago

I like the poem, especially

I like the poem, especially this
''Good deeds like salt grains''

title is bad, sorry to say
why not just ''salt grains''

raj

11 years 6 months ago

Thanks Emina for a sincere

Thanks Emina for a sincere feed back. I will give your suggestion a thought for sure. ...I do welcome constructive criticism because I am on a learning curve in matter poetry...raj

Ian.T

11 years 6 months ago

A very good senryu if it is meant to be this form??
I like the words and the implication, that the deeds are not noted.
Yet I believe that they are remembered more Post Mortem, than Pre, and in the way of things, this can only enhance your spirit and drive it onward.Good deeds are remembered more of good people as bad deeds are remembered more for bad people. (So you best be good lol)
Take care out there, Yours Ian.T

raj

11 years 6 months ago

Thanks Ian for your time and

Thanks Ian for your time and comment. This poem was inspired by what i had once read about how help should be ...it said if you help push a heavy hand cart uphill, on reaching the top don't wait to be thanked / praised by the one you have helped which would qualify it as an unconditional help without expecting any returns.....

loved

11 years 6 months ago

it's a treat to read you and

Ian's guidelines

do good
be good
good deeds are rarely forgotten

though many do
but postmortem speaks of the whole truth
good as well as bad,

If one had AIDS
tis sad and if one was pierced
tis worse.

raj

11 years 6 months ago

thanks for your time and

thanks for your time and comment Loved

mand

11 years 6 months ago

Hi Raj

Nice senryu! I like the metaphor - ''Good deeds like salt grains'' it takes many salt grains to make food palatable and yet it is taken for granted - it is often only when the salt is absent does anyone notice. This is a human trait that you have captured in a few words.

The syllabus count is spot on - 17 - Why did you title it entity? ( is it because the bearer of good deeds should be acknowledged - instead of being taken for granted )?

A good write with a message that we would all do well to take on board!

Love Mand xxxxxxxx

raj

11 years 6 months ago

You have connected with the

You have connected with the essence of the poem absolutely spot on Mand...you hit the Bull's Eye...as for the title I chose Entity because it is said that one should not expect anything in return when one is doing a good deed and that I thought should be one's entity,,,on re-thinking I'm not sure if it's right...could you suggest something to better fit the theme?

thank you for your time and comment....hugs...raj

mand

11 years 6 months ago

Hi Raj

I see where you are coming from - will get back to you tomorrow.

Love Mand xxxxxx

mand

11 years 6 months ago

Hi Raj

The title of your poem was a subject of discussion in our household and I think the general consensus was to leave it as it is!! Your explanation of the word entity works nicely with the theme and adds another dimension to the whole poem.

Keep safe and keep writing

Love Mand xxxxx

weirdelf

11 years 6 months ago

This is a real little gem, Raj,

you have received good feedback. I must concur though that the title rather spoils it. Perhaps "Unknown" or "In Absentia"? Or, and this is a bit cheeky, how about a title almost as long as the poem? I'm minded of a variation of a Nietzsche quote "Regard acts of nihilist kindness!"

raj

11 years 5 months ago

Thanks Elf, for you comment

Thanks Elf, for you comment and suggestion. I will think about changing the title.

alidzain

11 years 5 months ago

love it

Yes, raj. I love it. It is short but it has a deep meaning. Its wonderful.

Live well, live free

raj

11 years 5 months ago

Thanks for the read an words

Thanks for the read an words of appreciation.

Seren

11 years 5 months ago

Dear Raj

Its all been said beautifully before me I really loved the form and the message short though it is, it was the first poem I came to tonight and it really hit a chord, I have to say I agree with the others on the title it just doesn't fit a great little poem like this one I read your explanation above but it still doesn't have resonance with the poem in my opinion, I see you've received a few suggestions for the title above but it you want more I'd be happy to offer some suggestions

loved this little gem

love and hugs JC xxx

raj

11 years 5 months ago

Dear Jayne

One of the things I have come to realize through comments of the likes of you and all others who mean well is that I am generally not adept as yet in having appropriate titles for my poems...I therefore welcome all the suggestions and as you have said while commenting on another...I AM HOLLARING FOR SUGGESTIONS. lol....let them keep coming...