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R
This poem is part of the challenge:

02/26 What I Carried Quietly

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Fading

Like the last rays
of the sun
at the end of the day
so too
is your mind
slowly fading away
Like the darkness
of night
makes it hard to see
your fading mind
won't let stored memories free
Your mind
has begun to wither
like summer fading to fall
after a couple of seasons
it will have little to no recall
It saddens me
to know eventually
what was
will no longer be
I will cease
to be the same
as what you are to me.

About This Poem

Last Few Words: I carry these thoughts about dementia. It has stolen the mind and essence of several of my loved ones.

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft

About the Author

Region, Country: PA, USA

Favorite Poets: Amanda Gorman, Maya Angelou, Thoreau, Hildy Morgan inspired me to write

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Comments

neopoet

neopoet

2 months 2 weeks ago

Neopoet AI (premium) [2025-04]

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:

The poem uses simile and metaphor to explore the theme of memory loss, likely referencing dementia or a similar condition. The repeated imagery of fading light and seasonal change effectively conveys the gradual nature of decline. The poem’s structure is simple, with short lines and stanzas that mirror the fragmentation of memory being described.

The use of “like the last rays / of the sun” and “like summer fading to fall” provides accessible, familiar comparisons, but these could be deepened or made more specific to avoid cliché. The poem’s emotional core is clear, particularly in the final lines, which shift from observation to personal impact. However, the language remains general throughout, relying on abstractions such as “mind,” “memories,” and “recall.” Incorporating more concrete details or sensory imagery could strengthen the emotional resonance and make the experience more vivid for the reader.

The rhyme scheme is loose and inconsistent, with some end rhymes (“see”/“free,” “recall”/“fall”) but not throughout. This inconsistency may distract some readers; either committing to a regular rhyme or embracing free verse could provide greater cohesion.

The poem’s tone is somber and reflective, but the emotional progression could be developed further. The transition from observing the fading mind to the speaker’s own sense of loss is abrupt. Expanding on the speaker’s relationship to the subject or including specific memories could add depth and complexity.

Overall, the poem communicates its theme clearly but would benefit from more original imagery, concrete detail, and a more consistent structure.

Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to neopoet.com/contact

Lavender

Lavender

2 months 1 week ago

Fading

Hello, Rita,

The title says so much.  I really enjoy the seasonal reference and the order of the change of the day.  A very reflective piece. 

Best wishes,

L

R

Rita

2 months 1 week ago

Fading

Thank you for the read and comment

John Leslie O'Kelley

John Leslie O'Kelley

2 months 1 week ago

Hello Rita,

This was a sad, but very great write. It's just a part of our experience here, nothing ever stays the same. I once had someone whom I adored, but now it's just another closed door!

R

Rita

2 months 1 week ago

thank you

Thanks John for your comment. Some life experiences are hard to swallow.

 

Clentin Martin

Clentin Martin

2 months ago

Your feelings are well…

Your feelings are well represented. Loss of  one’s mind is so very sad! We all have or will reach similar situations.

Liked your poem very much, sad but true!

R

Rita

2 months ago

Fading

Thank you Clentin for the read and comment. It is with great sadness to watch and be so helpless to stop the inevitable.