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Oct 19, 2017
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FAKE LOVE
If it is for her
Then I’ll kill my blame
All men aren’t the same
Her appearance speaks pain
But revenge is vain
Emotion stolen
Gate broken
Oh sweet tongue of mendacity
God punish love
The rat eating your heel and fanning you
I rather be
The Mississippi of tears for your sake
her hate hovers like tsunami
Can I still love?
She laments
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - polished draft
Comments
Eumolpus
7 years 8 months ago
,
.
Eumolpus
7 years 8 months ago
allow me
to punctuate this lovely poem, and to just change a few grammar things and spacing.
If it is for her
Then I’ll kill my blame.
All men aren’t the same-
Her appearance speaks pain
But revenge is vain,
Emotion stolen,
Gate broken,
Oh, sweet tongue of mendacity!
God punishes love;
The rat eating your heel and fanning you.
I'd rather be
The Mississippi of tears for your sake.
Her hate hovers like tsunami.
Can I still love?
She laments.
Not even sure if you need the last line, but the poem has very strong empathy, flow, rhyme used in some parts not others..this I think is fine, like in modern music how atonal sounds are mixed with melody, or in art how subjects are mixed with abstraction.
Maybe as well you might consider a different title...perhaps even "SHE LAMENTS".
Chiori
7 years 8 months ago
Eumolpus
that's a very great one
i really appreciate it
thanks for your review.