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Aug 30, 2025
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Farewell Terry
A lump that's forming,
Thoughts buzz around my mind.
And regrets seep through,
In malaise that sadly binds.
That last coffee I missed,
Many words I couldn't say.
In the sudden passing,
As God took his soul, that day.
I'm left with many memories,
A host of words he spoke.
And as I bid farewell,
This lump won't see me choke.
Though dressed in darkness,
Much joy is in my heart.
And I'll get through this fog,
With deep breaths to start.
About This Poem
Last Few Words: In memory of a very special man. He will never be forgotten, and his legacy will live in forever. Written on this the day of his memorial service. RIP Terry
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: Please use care (this is a sensitive subject for me, do not critique harshly)
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
3 weeks 6 days ago
Neopoet AI [2025-04]
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:
This poem conveys a poignant sense of loss and the struggle to process grief. The imagery of a "lump that's forming" effectively captures the physical sensation of emotional pain, grounding the abstract feeling in the body. The progression from regret and malaise to a resolve to find joy and move forward is clear and provides an emotional arc that readers can follow.
Consider refining some of the phrasing to enhance clarity and impact. For example, "In malaise that sadly binds" is somewhat abstract; specifying what binds or how malaise manifests might deepen the emotional resonance. The line "As God took his soul, that day" introduces a religious element that might feel abrupt; integrating this more subtly or expanding on its significance could strengthen the poem's coherence.
The shift from darkness to joy in the final stanza is hopeful, but the phrase "this lump won't see me choke" feels slightly awkward. Rephrasing it to something like "this lump won't make me choke" or "I won't let this lump choke me" might improve the flow and clarity.
Overall, the poem effectively communicates the complexity of mourning and the determination to heal, but tightening the language and smoothing transitions would enhance its emotional power.
Please send feedback about Neo (our AI critique system) to neopoet.com/contact
Sen99
3 weeks 5 days ago
RIP Terry
a worthy tribute to a departed soul, sorry for your loss.