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Nov 05, 2011
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The Feeling
Could you say
I fell forward
With caution thoughts,
Yet full weight ahead
Plummeting I hurt,
I lay alone
With wonders plaguing my mind
A what if
A maybe
A touch
A stare
A feeling
Repressible emotions
Are to blame;
I am to blame.
Could you say
The attachment I hold
Is but a self-induced curse,
I know it true
Could you say
I long for those moments
Withering
Abandoned
Exiled
Would you say
That in the end you didn’t,
A fleeting feeling at most.
Would you say
Forget everything
I’m done.
You did.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
lou
13 years 8 months ago
Hi
i like the way you have constructed thus poem and I enjoyed the poem in general, but I would remove the word forwardly from the first Stanza as it Is a made up word and maybe simply replace it with forward.
Lou
Layune
13 years 8 months ago
Thank you for the feedback, I
Thank you for the feedback, I will take the suggestion and change forwardly to forward. I'm glad you could enjoy my poem.
Layune
13 years 8 months ago
Thanks for the comment, I
Thanks for the comment, I have taken Lou's suggestion and changed it to forward. I am glad that the end summed up my poem, I think that was one of my main turning points, admitting it to myself. Thanks again.
wesley snow
13 years 8 months ago
I'm too old fashioned,
but this didn't have enough "form" (for lack of a better term) to hold me. I did however, like the ending. As you said, it rather summed the whole thing. Good content, just not enough "poesy" for my tastes. wesley
weirdelf
13 years 8 months ago
mmm
could be more to this