KINGZOMBIE

Mar 27, 2011 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

"A Feeling of Dread"

This empty feeling comes and it goes,
its swift and its subtle as a vine of ivy that grows.

My emotions lay bare, naked and free,
with no attempts to hide them,
their transparent like me.

An open book for anyone to read,
my thoughts splayed wide open,
for the sadistic to feed.

My story no different from ones of the past,
sometimes its tragic and sometimes I laugh.

No different from anyone, when you cut me I bleed,
afraid of my feelings, I'm afraid of my need.

My need will grow painful, no matter how much I love,
my pain will grow deeper, its my curse from above.

When god sends an angel, it bites and it screams,
when a demon is sent, it kisses then leaves.

Sometimes alone with no hope ahead,
these are my feelings when I feel this feeling of dread.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Maryland, USA

Favorite Poets: I have many favorite poets but I like Poe the most.I would also feel wrong if I didn't include music to this also, for I find it to be of great inspiration.These are lyrics to a song by Monster Magnet called Ozium, it never fails to put me in the writing mood and thought I would share it, lol., " I'm up to my brain in the mire of an ancient swamp, Pteranadon smiles at me and flies up to god, Baby let me drink deep from your globes of reality, Writhe your naked ass to the mindless groove, baby give your tongue a taste and follow me up to my room, the bullgod has your head, and baby thats just fine, now it is time, we became the mighty cell, wrap those hungry jacks? to the mindless groove, they say we've got a lifetime, but we know that ain't true, I will not be denied, I will not be denied, baby, the faster you gyrate the faster we'll be there, arms up overhead, a goddess in the ancient song, work that mighty world to the mindless groove, they say weve got a life time but we know that ain't true, I will not be denied, I will not be denied, they say weve got a lifetime, but we know that ain't true, I will not be denied I will not be denied"

Comments

Candlewitch

14 years 3 months ago

Dear KZ,

Very nice imagery fraught with raw feelings!

suggestions:

In this line "their transparent like me." I think it should be either they are, Or, they're.

These two lines are a little rough:

My need will grow painful, no matter how much I love,
my pain will grow deeper, its my curse from above.

perhaps to phrase them so that you don't have to rhyme with "Love"

Maybe: "No matter how painful the love I feel..." (and take the next line from there with "feel" as the word to be rhymed with instead of "love"

some rhyming suggestions are:

wheel
squeal
conceal
congeal
real or reel
deal
unreal

I hope I have helped.

always, Cat

KINGZOMBIE

14 years 3 months ago

Thanks Cat

I was actually about to toss this in the garbage when I decided to post it and see if it could be salvaged at all.I'm still not sure what I'm gonna do with it.Sorry that it took me so long to get back to you, things around here have been very busy as of late.Thanks again Cat, your always a big help:-)

Hooded Stranger

14 years 3 months ago

KZ

KZ,

I like the theme, but feel it needs tightening up. I will PM the ideas and suggestions for you.

regards,

KINGZOMBIE

14 years 3 months ago

Thanks HS

I like what you've done with it.I think you can turn anything into a song.Thanks again.

Hooded Stranger

14 years 2 months ago

KZ

KZ,

following on from our PM conversations, find below the re-write I undertook.

I would not normally post a re-write on somebody's work, but KZ has suggested that he would like my version out in the open, so here goes. My intention was to turn this into a tighter piece and create a lyric from it:

A Feeling Of Dread

This empty feeling comes and reluctantly goes
As subtle as a vine of poisoned ivy that grows

My emotions lay bare, naked and free,
Transparent, open to interpretation like me.

An open book for you to digest and read
Thoughts torn open for the sadistic to read

(chrous)
My story is no different from ones of the darkened past
So tragic, shameful and sad, that to stay sane, I laugh
No different from anybody else, when you cut me, I bleed
With the terror of my inner feelings, I'm afraid of what I need

My need grows painful, no matter how much I love
This pain will dive deeper, it's my curse from above

When God sends an angel, it bites and it screams
And when a demon is sent, it kisses then leaves

When I am all alone with no hope ahead,
I am left with this feeling of utter dread

(outro or bridge)
With my darkened past, so tragic I laugh
When I'm cut I bleed, afraid of what I need
--------------------------------------------------------

kind regards,