Five Dollar Friend

My home became a sterile room,
Where old age brought a heavy gloom.
My roommate, ninety-two and frail,
Told a sad and weary tale.

He was a cranky, bossy man,
With a less-than-gentle plan.
He’d tell me what to do and say,
And even how to start my day.

He’d run a market long ago,
With treasures he still had to show.
He tried to sell a pair of shoes,
A deal that I would soon refuse.

They were old and rather smelly,
Which made my stomach feel all jelly.
But he just kept on trying to sell,
As if his life was a flea market shell.

He’d been there for a long, long time,
A king ruling a little mime.
Maybe my being there brought him fear,
As he struggled to hold back a tear.

And so, to end the grumpy fuss,
And find a moment of peace for us,
I paid the price, five dollars fair,
And took those sneakers from him there.

The shoes brought harmony to our space,
A happy smile on a grumpy face.
The grouchiness was put to rest,
And we both passed a simple test.

That five-dollar friend, my roommate old,
A lesson in kindness, brave and bold.
We found a way to share the room,
And chased away the lonely gloom.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - draft

About the Author

Region, Country: USA the bay state, United Kingdom, Australia, South Africa, Nigeria, Canada, Europe, USA

Favorite Poets: Dylon, George Harrison, Leonard Cohen, Jess, Rett, Black Mountain Gang

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Comments

neopoet

1 month 1 week ago

Neopoet AI (premium) [2025-04]

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet’s AI:

The poem presents a narrative centered on the dynamics between two elderly roommates, using the motif of a shoe sale to explore themes of companionship, negotiation, and the alleviation of loneliness. The narrative arc is clear, moving from initial discomfort and conflict to a resolution achieved through a small act of kindness.

Structurally, the poem employs rhymed couplets throughout, which creates a sing-song rhythm. While this can lend a sense of cohesion, the meter is inconsistent in places, causing some lines to feel forced or awkward (e.g., “He’d been there for a long, long time, / A king ruling a little mime.”). The rhyme scheme is maintained, but at times the need to rhyme appears to dictate word choice, leading to lines that are less precise or meaningful (“A king ruling a little mime” is ambiguous and may confuse the reader).

The characterization of the roommate as “cranky” and “bossy” is direct, but the poem also gestures toward empathy, especially in lines that suggest his behavior may be rooted in fear or sadness. The speaker’s decision to buy the shoes is framed as an act of kindness, and the poem’s resolution is optimistic, though somewhat simplistic.

Imagery is present but not deeply developed; the description of the shoes as “old and rather smelly” is concrete, but other details remain vague. The metaphor of life as a “flea market shell” is intriguing but not fully explored or integrated into the poem’s emotional landscape.

The poem’s strength lies in its narrative clarity and its attempt to find meaning in mundane interactions. To deepen the impact, consider refining the imagery, clarifying ambiguous metaphors, and varying the meter to better suit the emotional shifts within the poem. Additionally, exploring the complexities of the characters’ emotions could add nuance, moving beyond the binary of “grumpy” and “happy” to capture the subtleties of aging and companionship.

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