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Jun 18, 2024
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Five Percent Battery
Running off fumes,
choking on smoke.
Sucking exhaustion
through pasty lips.
Engine's down a quart,
burn out,
Dark circles tell all,
who is about to fall.
Mercy lights,
Low battery,
jumper cables ignite.
Knock down, drag out fight.
About This Poem
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Candlewitch
1 year ago
Dear Carrie,
Upon seeing the title of this poem, my heart skipped a beat in fear for you. I hope you are not the worn out exhausted vehicle that you write of! I very much like the metaphors used in this piece as I am familiar to the situation. good luck on the contest!
*hugs, Cat
RoseBlack
1 year ago
Thank you Cat
I am pretty exhausted right now and feel like a worn out dragged out vehicle. Hopefully just a couple more weeks.
Clentin
1 year ago
Your poem really addresses
Your poem really addresses the stress of low battery and results of such a mess.
Liked it very much.
RoseBlack
1 year ago
Thank you
I was hoping to convey that message. Thank you for the read and comments.
Geezer
1 year ago
What do you think...
how about shifting the lines in the stanza around a little?
You can make it appear that the dark circles are a burnout in the parking lot.
Engine's down a quart,
burn out...
dark circles tell all,
who is about to fall.
~ Geez.
.
RoseBlack
1 year ago
Changes made
I like that better then how I had it and the visual of dark circles being the result of a burn out. Thank you for the read and comment.
kowque
1 year ago
That last line...
What are we fighting? Ourselves or our deamons?
Chilling but....I love it
RoseBlack
1 year ago
Hi Kowque
I think it's a combination of ourselves and demons. I was my own worst enemy when my depression was at its worst because I listened to the demons externally and internally. Thank you for the read and comment.