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Aug 29, 2024
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Flashes of Life and Death (refreshed)
What's the true, total damage?
Tell me now, I can take it.
The crash was so horrific,
in my eyes a bit of grit...
A collision where flesh met
with the cold unconcerned ground,
there are flashes without pain
then the sudden wrap around...
The pole was unforgiving
solid and staid, not moving
wanting to appear laid-back
to the beat I was grooving...
Sitting beside my own self
the medtech seams so pensive.
She gathers up my lost words
refraining from offensive...
In the ambulance loaded
my body, still and secured
go with it to Hospital?
My mind is otherwise lured!
About This Poem
Last Few Words: written on eddy styx III note pad by: eddy styx
Style/Type: Structured: Western
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
neopoet
10 months 3 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Flashes of Life and Death" effectively uses imagery and narrative to convey a dramatic event and its aftermath. The use of language is vivid and the pacing is well-controlled, creating a sense of urgency and tension that mirrors the subject matter.
However, there are areas where the poem could be improved. The rhythm of the poem is inconsistent, which can disrupt the flow for the reader. For example, the line "the medtech seams so pensive" disrupts the rhythm established in the previous stanzas. Consider revising this line to maintain the rhythm.
Additionally, the poem could benefit from more consistent use of metaphor and symbolism. The pole is described as "unforgiving", which is an effective use of personification, but this technique is not used consistently throughout the poem. Incorporating more metaphorical language could add depth and complexity to the poem.
Lastly, the final line "my mind is otherwise lured!" is somewhat ambiguous. While ambiguity can be effective in poetry, in this case it may leave the reader confused about the speaker's state of mind and the implications of the poem. Consider revising this line for clarity.
Overall, the poem is engaging and thought-provoking, but could benefit from more consistent rhythm, use of metaphor, and clarity in the final line.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
kowque
10 months 3 weeks ago
This hit the core
Yoh
Candlewitch
10 months 3 weeks ago
;)
Thank you Koki!
ever,, eddy styx
always, Cat
Leslie
10 months 3 weeks ago
Cat
I assume that this was about you and I'm glad that your'e still here! As for the poem I thought that it was great.hat was Your description was ethereal.My favorite line was the last. I wonder what thoughts you were alluding to. If you don't mind message me, I'd like to know what your mind was lured to!
Candlewitch
10 months 3 weeks ago
Dear Leslie,
I can and will message you about that line.