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Apr 09, 2025
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Flip this
Inclusivity became human obsession,
That in a twist of fate.
Turned our loving kindness,
Into a cancer of hate.
And as progress became our fixation,
It left an indelible scar.
Moving us away from collective beings,
We lost a sense of who we are.
Mere Individuals, in a concrete jungle,
For which nature paid the highest price.
Due to our greed and inhumanity,
Sadly we didn't stop to think twice.
As we exchanged our rules of morality,
Slipping into that darkness hole.
Materialism became our insanity,
When we rejected our very soul.
Yet it is not too late, to change path
Before death sees us in the ground.
As by our rights and freedoms,
We could turn these things around.
Through random acts of kindness,
We could find an adapted voice.
And flip our broken world on its axis,
Making love, and peace, the way of choice
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
2 months 2 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (Premium) - version 3.0
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem addresses broad and significant themes—such as inclusivity, human obsession, materialism, and morality—with a clear intention and message. However, there are several areas where the poem could be strengthened:
1. **Clarity and Specificity:**
The poem uses abstract concepts like "inclusivity," "progress," and "materialism" without concrete examples or imagery. Consider grounding these broad ideas in specific, vivid examples or scenarios. This would help readers connect emotionally and intellectually to the poem's message.
2. **Consistency of Theme and Logic:**
The opening stanza suggests inclusivity has paradoxically led to division and hate, but the poem does not clearly explain or explore this paradox. Clarifying how inclusivity specifically became problematic or how it was misunderstood or misapplied would strengthen the poem's internal logic and coherence.
3. **Imagery and Originality:**
Phrases such as "cancer of hate," "concrete jungle," and "darkness hole" are familiar metaphors. Consider developing original imagery or fresh metaphors to express these ideas more vividly and memorably.
4. **Rhythm and Meter:**
The rhythm is somewhat uneven, with varying syllable counts and inconsistent meter. Revising the poem to achieve a more consistent rhythm or meter could enhance readability and musicality.
5. **Language and Word Choice:**
Some phrases, such as "Didn't get to think but twice," feel awkwardly phrased. Consider revising these lines for clarity and smoother flow. Additionally, the phrase "darkness hole" could be revised to a more precise or evocative expression.
6. **Resolution and Conclusion:**
The poem concludes optimistically, suggesting random acts of kindness as a solution. However, the shift from critique to optimism occurs abruptly. Consider building a clearer transition or elaborating on how these acts of kindness specifically address the problems outlined earlier.
By addressing these points—clarifying abstract concepts, developing original imagery, refining rhythm and language, and strengthening logical transitions—the poem could become more impactful and engaging for readers.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Lavender
2 months 2 weeks ago
Flip This
Hello, Tigger,
I like the message with this, and the optimism in the last two stanzas. I might suggest finding a different word for one of the "choices, chosen, choice" in those stanzas, since they are close together.
Thank you!
L
Tigger Kaz
2 months 2 weeks ago
How's that?
Do my amendments work?
Lavender
2 months 2 weeks ago
Wonderful!
Much more depth, as well!
L