Seren

Feb 10, 2014 ⭐ View statistics (Premium feature)

A Flower Falls

I am drawn into
the flowers form,
its petals curl
as a colour purls
with gentleness,
through the shreds
of my ripped heart

Evidence of decay
is tinged to its glisten
to last just one more day
is its only mission

This is a bloom
being finally set free
from living each day
nature’s own mortality

About This Poem

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Beyond the Black Stump..Australia, AUS

Favorite Poets: Pablo Neruda, P.K.Page, W.H.Auden, to many and various to include them all ...

Comments

William Saint George

11 years 5 months ago

The last line of the poem

The last line of the poem felt quite weak, as though you were explaining what the rest of the poem made me feel. Beside that, I loved how the last stanza went. That, to me, was the most powerful one. I was drawn, not to the flowers, but to the freedom from living each day.

Seren

11 years 5 months ago

William

I am open to ideas for the end line I am still working on this one its still a rough draft very happy you liked the ending I am still not sure if it needs more or not ? what do you think ?

love JC xxx

William Saint George

11 years 5 months ago

I like the poem as it is; I

I like the poem as it is; I can't say if it needs more. That almost totally depends on what you feel.
More could be better, but this does it for me just fine.

Seren

11 years 5 months ago

I will have a think on the

I will have a think on the ending, I want it to have punch not leave you feeling deflated or weak in this case, I will consider expanding on it not sure about this one

thanks for your input

love JC x

raj

11 years 5 months ago

This poem is as delicate as

This poem is as delicate as the flower. A couple of suggestion

I am drawn into
the flowers form, [floral or flower's]

Evidence of decay
is tinged to its glisten [is tinged in its glisten]

This is a bloom
being finally set free
from living each day
nature’s own mortality [to rest in peace]

[Suggested addition]

For a fleeting moment
an illusion of dew
alas, it was a tribute
from eyes, brimmed full

Title : A Flower Falls [A Fallen Flower]

Seren

11 years 5 months ago

Raj

You have inspired a rewrite lol ill edit shortly my normal internets down waiting for its return lol still no sleep its 5am. On my phone only net thats working

Thank you so much for the ideas cant tell you how much i appreciate it

Love and hugs JC xxx

raj

11 years 5 months ago

DEarest Jayne

Oh..you were still awake! In fact i came back here to edit the additional stanza I had proposed in my earlier comment to read like this

For a fleeting moment
an illusion of dew
alas, it was a tribute
from eyes, brimmed full
to a flower
fallen from grace.

i was so caught up with this poem that I just couldn't resist coming back to add those two more lines :)

please take good care and take enough rest...

much love n hugz..

Seren

11 years 5 months ago

Dearest Raj

I think I nodded off after that last comment, I was waiting for the internet to come back online but it only came back late this afternoon. I am working on a rewrite on this one it did my head in earlier but I am going to attack it again tomorrow night and see what I cant come up with, thank you for ALL your suggestions I have been taking them all into account as I have been editing my poem, some of your ideas I plan to move forward with some of the others I am still mulling over

thanks for your time on this one its much appreciated

much love and hugs JC xxx

raj

11 years 5 months ago

Dearest Jayne

Take your time. I would love to take a look see once you are done. I hope my suggestions were not of a nagging kind :)

much love and hugz...

Seren

11 years 5 months ago

Raj

The work in my street is interrupting my internet connection so at the moment I have to take what I can get, I am still working on my poems I just don't have anytime at the moment its driving me nuts but what can I do lol

much love and hugs JC xxx

raj

11 years 5 months ago

Dearest Jayne

Take your time. I will keep visiting from time to time to see what edits you would be doing, which of course would be fine. I was cut off from Neopoet for about 3 days due to to some server issues which thanks to help from Andrew have been resolved.

Much love and hugs..

Seren

11 years 4 months ago

Raj

I will post it tomorrow night I am still playing with it a little just got to get one line right then its ready to be posted, thanks for your patience I have been very busy lately

love and hugs JC xxx

raj

11 years 4 months ago

Jayne

Don't be rushed. I will keep visiting to see how you tweak it up.

Much love and hugz..

Ian.T

11 years 5 months ago

Jayne

Alway remember that as the flower dies and eventually falls,
it leaves a bonus of beauty behind in its seed,
that will grow in a quiet place then once again
Become a bloom so fresh that the suns shine will dull.
Lovely piece just needs to be tidied ups,
for an ending that befits a beautiful Flower,
Yours as always, Ian.T

Seren

11 years 5 months ago

Ian

So glad you liked this one I am working on a rewrite of this one so watch this space, I am just letting my imagination go where ever it wants at the moment and this one came from ? ummm I am not sure...

thanks for the visit, as always, and your thoughts

much love always JC xxx

emeka ozurumba

11 years 5 months ago

beautiful

i loved the piece , and this is a love poem ripped curl

Seren

11 years 5 months ago

emeka :)

I don't think I have met you before so "hello" lol :) I am very glad you liked this piece thanks for your thoughts and the visit

love JC x

loved

11 years 5 months ago

very nice as it emerges from the inners of ones heart

all flowers
bud... flower and die
and
leave behind a symbol of having been
as a flower is born
with a new seed
symmetrical
unlike human

Seren

11 years 5 months ago

Loved

I know there is always the seed eh ? :) glad you liked it my friend

love JC xxx

alidzain

11 years 5 months ago

i loved

i loved both raj and your version, jc. you guys never fail to inspire me with your works.

Alid

Seren

11 years 5 months ago

Alid

Watch this space I am working on a rewrite which totally changes the poem inspired by Raj (thank you Raj :))

love and hugs JC xxx

alidzain

11 years 5 months ago

will do

will do.don't forget to check on my haiku entitled 'Winter' I want to add a verse to describe the sunlight glowing on the snow but my mind is not working.thanks

Seren

11 years 5 months ago

I will take a look now but I

I will take a look now but I cant promise anything I am next to useless tonight I have an abscess in my mouth and the antibiotics haven't kicked in yet, pray they do before morning or I maybe here all night HA !

love JC xxx

alidzain

11 years 5 months ago

ok

ok. thanks,JC. Take care.

Alid

Seren

11 years 5 months ago

I just had a look and posted

I just had a look and posted a comment ;)

JC xx

wesley snow

11 years 4 months ago

I am drawn into

I am drawn into
the flowers form, [floral or flower's] (go with floral)

Evidence of decay
is tinged to its glisten [is tinged in its glisten] (tinged to glisten)

This is a bloom
being finally set free
from living each day
nature’s own mortality [to rest in peace] (I'm like William, I'm not sure about this, but don't have any help to offer) (how about... "nature is mortality", I don't know)

A really pretty poem though, a little sad.

Seren

11 years 4 months ago

Wesley

I am working on a rewrite inspired by Raj's comment I am still not finished I will edit in the next few days as time permits I am glad you liked it and yes its a little sad ...

love JC xxx