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Feb 06, 2012
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Foggy
Treading in the mucus of the lungs of despair
A child blindly splashing around
Franticly trying to generate enough noise for any passersby to notice
Alas, no one does
Plummeting to the bottom
Succumbing to this tormented inadequacy
Using the toxic lung butter of fear
To spread on the moldy bread of self deception
It feeds my insanity that no better life exist
I’m dying a slow starving death
Emaciated from a life spent without emotion
It is the bread killing me
But I do not know it
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Looking to drive an unnerving dagger quick like a sudden shock that disturbs and makes you wonder whats next, suggestions on shortening or deepening impact will be very appreciated
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
[This option has been removed]
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Geezer
13 years 5 months ago
This a classic case...
of needing to know where and how to separate or combine lines to keep a certain flow.
These are just suggestions on how to do it.
1] Treading in the mucus of despairing lungs
2] Frantic to attract a passerby
3] No one notices
4] It feeds my insanity
No better life exist[s] - separate lines here and add ess.
5] Emaciated life without emotion - maybe take the 2nd line from the above and transpose it for this line.
Just suggestions though. ~ Geezer