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Jan 27, 2025
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Footpath to paradise
Humble steps I take,
All fear left in my wake,
In the poolside
By the lake.
Joyful visions fill my mind,
With every step to peace,
Eradicates the hatred,
So unkindness leaves.
Proud trees flank this path,
Branches canes for the weary.
And the birds trill,
As contagious as a grin.
Mocking the shadows,
That darkens heart's terrain.
But to turn it around,
Sees our righteous gain.
Although this footpath's long,
With turns that try to snare.
I walk with added strength,
To fight off evil's glare.
As the light gets stronger,
As fear fades, and disappear,
In a renewed sense of peace.
When paridise is near.
About This Poem
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
neopoet
5 months 3 weeks ago
Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version
The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:
The poem "Footpath to Paradise" exhibits a clear narrative arc, moving from a state of fear to one of peace and near-paradise. This journey is effectively conveyed through the use of vivid and evocative imagery, such as "Proud trees flank this path," and "the birds trill, As contagious as a grin."
However, there are areas where the poem could be improved for clarity and impact.
Firstly, the poem could benefit from more consistent punctuation. For example, the line "Joyful visions fill my mind," ends with a comma, while the next line "With every step to peace," also ends with a comma. This could create confusion for the reader about where the sentence ends.
Secondly, the use of metaphor could be more consistent and developed throughout the poem. For example, the "footpath" is a strong metaphor for the journey the speaker is on, but it's not clear what the "lake" or "poolside" represent in this context.
Lastly, the poem could benefit from more specific and concrete imagery. While phrases like "hatred, So unkindness leaves" and "fight off evil's glare" convey the speaker's emotional state, they're somewhat abstract and could be more powerful if grounded in specific, sensory details.
In terms of rhythm and meter, the poem mostly adheres to a loose iambic tetrameter, which gives it a steady, walking pace that suits the theme. However, there are lines that break this pattern, like "Mocking the shadows, That darkens heart's terrain." which could disrupt the reader's rhythm.
Overall, the poem effectively communicates a journey from fear to peace, but could benefit from more consistent punctuation, developed metaphors, concrete imagery, and consistent meter.
Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact
Rula
5 months 3 weeks ago
Hello Tigger Kaz
An enjoyable read!
A lovely theme and awesome journey towards paradise. So much faith is well expressed through out.I especially like the 3rd and last stanzas.
Thank you for sharing!