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May 01, 2022
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FOREVER BE HUSHED
Just a spike back,
As if it happened today,
Shhhh
Be hush!
Don't scream,
He said to her.
Uncle please!
She yearned just for his Mercy,
A slap she received,
Even while innocent.
Weakened she became,
All because of her illness,
Yet she pleaded!
She struggled so hard to come out of it,
Unfortunately he won over her,
He stroked in!
With her mouth covered,
She screamed in silence!
Hot tears ceaselessly rushed down her cheeks.
Her body got paralyzed!
Her faded eyes gazed upon the sky,
Just for help!
Yet it was far from her.
You are Sweet He said,
Not sweet sixteen,
But of Thirteen!
Yea you heard me right,
She was still a girl child.
Don't tell anyone,
For if you try to do so,
You surely know what I will do,
I'll surely turn the tables around,
They will all be against you!
Even if you tell them,
Who would believe you?!
Forever Be hush!
He smirked,
Before he left,
While Lily was in a Mess!
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Candlewitch
3 years 1 month ago
hello Kachylil,
it is nice to meet you. welcome to Neopoet. if you need help, or have any questions, please feel free to ask me. if I can't help you we will find someone who can :)
In line #4: Be hush! try: (Be hushed)
in this line: Her body got paralyzed! try: (her body became paralyzed)
in this line: Weakened she became, try: (She became weakened)
in this line: try: Forever Be hush! try: ( Be forever hushed!) for a smoother finish.
these are just suggestions. you may use them or lose them as is your right. please have a wonderful experience here.
*hugs, Cat
Kachylil
3 years 1 month ago
Awwwn Thank you so much ma'am
Geezer
3 years 1 month ago
I'm not sure...
what you mean with a [spike] back, but I am going to assume that
it means a short while ago?
A few things that may make this a bit smoother:
1] Be [quiet] or [Hush up]
2] She [pleaded] for mercy
3] She [was] innocent
4] she was weakened by illness
5] Yet even as she plead and struggled
6] Unfortunately he won
7] Hot tears ran down her cheeks
8] Her body was paralyzed
9] Her eyes gazed upon the sky
10] And help was far away
11] Be silent forever
It is a terrible thing to happen to any woman, let alone a 13 year old!
Your title could be changed to Be Forever Silent, but as it is, is says
what needs to be said. The pace was fast as the actions described were.
The ending left no doubt that it was a tragic occurrence. This piece, while
it is a tragedy, is one that puts the blame squarely where it belongs.
Nicely done! ~ Geezer.
.
Kachylil
3 years 1 month ago
Kaiii
Kachylil
3 years 1 month ago
Thank you sir for reading
Thank you sir for reading through
Jackweb
3 years 1 month ago
Rape Phenomenon
Rape and it's psychological effect on the girl has perpetually left an indelible mark in her heart. Some men are prone to rape and mostly the girl child suffers this dilemma alone without any coming to their aid. Especially when the culprit forewarned not to expose it.
Welcome to Neopoet. A place where budding poets gets refined through the intelligent feedback they received here . If only you will pay more attention from them.
Good wtrite!
Kachylil
3 years 1 month ago
Truly Sir
Truly Sir
Thank you so much sir
For reading through