A forgotten Phrase

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "A Forgotten Phrase" effectively employs evocative imagery and metaphors to convey a sense of loss, despair, and transformation. However, there are a few areas where the poem could be improved to enhance its overall impact.

1. Consistency in Metaphors: The poem uses a variety of metaphors, such as "dark corridors", "shift of light", "soul trapped", and "maze". While these metaphors are vivid, there seems to be a lack of consistency or connection between them. It would be beneficial to focus on one central metaphor and build the poem around it to create a more cohesive narrative.

2. Rhythm and Flow: The poem's rhythm seems to be inconsistent, which can disrupt the reader's engagement. Consider revising the lines to maintain a consistent rhythm throughout the poem.

3. Clarity of Message: While the poem effectively conveys a sense of loss, the specific nature of this loss is somewhat unclear. Is it the loss of self, loss of loved ones, or loss of a past life? Providing more clarity could make the poem more relatable and impactful to readers.

4. Word Choice: Some phrases, such as "sassy pages unfold", may not effectively convey the intended emotion or image. Consider revising such phrases to ensure they align with the overall tone and theme of the poem.

5. Use of Abstract Concepts: The poem frequently refers to abstract concepts like "soul", "dreams", and "life". While these can be powerful, they might also make the poem feel too general or vague. Consider grounding these abstract concepts in specific, concrete images or experiences to make the poem more vivid and personal.

Please send feedback about Neo (our computer generated critique system) to https://www.neopoet.com/contact

Hello, Rula,
A haunting sonnet. Beautiful language and imagery. I can't help but feel that "Mother" may also be taken as Earth or country. I wonder if the second line should actually read, "Not even a shift of light..." Possible typo?
This is stirring. Very appropriate for the contest.
Thank you!
Lx

the long lines, originally look and sound a bit too long, once read with the proper timing, it becomes very manageable.
Yes, the intent of this piece can be interpreted in a couple of ways. No matter, the result is the same; a good, solid piece about abandonment. ~ Geez.
.

I read both poem and comments... I am sorry about this ugly thief who has taken from you your beloved mother! My Grandmother had alzheimers disease. It came upon her fairly quick and was insidious in ravaging her mind and memories...I am so sorry for your loss. my favorite lines of your poem are:

Alike pale shadows come all my dreams.
No more loving hymns to cast, but screams.
Dear places turn to dreary, fearful, cold
Life becomes a maze; sassy pages unfold.

And soon shall all be a blown-away phase.
A once was mother, tomorrow a forgotten phrase.

much love, Candle