Fragment

October: Stillborn souls couple under sterile stars.
Here, a stagnant security claims a rentless rule,
shiftless peoples trek by in Rorschach gangs. Whistling
rumor of razor candies, radio codes from dim cars.
Blue car called Betty, finish baby blue, it seems only
in a time lost I was ever inside you. Me, cartographer of fake
treehouse promises, you, curator of spoiled moons;
but no ghosted face glossed in suspense rae, no single image
In virtual chutes where your imaginal iconostasis is irradiate. 
Sedate car you called Betty, stilled eyes baby blue,
silent as these splinters I have of you.”“This is years ago.”
Our syllabics wedded once in sincerity’s Logos split
simply and forever, deep in the echoing hollow. Do I know   you?
I knew I knew you, I did. And this even this is only so true.

About This Poem

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: United States, USA

Favorite Poets: Susan Howe, Michael Palmer, Charles Baudelaire, Poetry is a freakish jazz. It is intended to be lived, not to be the plaything of a University., I would rather get down and write with you guys without plastering my whole bibliography on here..given that is pretty big.

Comments

neopoet

5 months 2 weeks ago

Neopoet AI (premium) - 5-29-23 version

The below is a computer-generated response from Neo, Neopoet's computer artificial intelligence:

The poem "Fragment" demonstrates a strong command of language and imagery. The use of metaphor and alliteration, such as "sterile stars," "Rorschach gangs," and "razor candies," creates a vivid and somewhat unsettling atmosphere. This is effective in engaging the reader's senses and emotions.

However, the poem's meaning can be somewhat elusive, which may be intentional given the title "Fragment." The narrative seems to revolve around a past relationship or connection, symbolized by the "blue car called Betty," but the specifics are left vague. This ambiguity can be intriguing, but it might also leave some readers feeling disconnected.

The poem also incorporates a variety of complex words and phrases, such as "imaginal iconostasis" and "sincerity’s Logos." While these can add depth and sophistication to the poem, they may also make it less accessible to some readers. It's important to strike a balance between complexity and readability.

The poem's structure is somewhat irregular, with varying line lengths and no consistent rhyme scheme. This can contribute to the fragmented feel of the poem, but it might also make it more difficult to follow. Experimenting with a more consistent structure could potentially enhance the poem's readability and impact.

Lastly, the use of punctuation is somewhat inconsistent, with some sentences ending in periods and others not. This can disrupt the flow of the poem and make it harder to understand. Consistent punctuation could improve the poem's readability and rhythm.

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